Oh she is definitely in an MLC, it really doesn't get any clearer than this, as she is displaying literally ALL the "symptoms" and telltale signs of an MLC with no exception at all.
It may have been triggered by this resentful dynamic, but probably also by the death of her father and this very hard time we had to go through as a couple due to the earlier mentioned business liquidation.
As for your question, it was definitely number 3! It was always the idea that once i felt "safe" enough to be able to trust her again we'd resume an active sex life (preferably a better, healthier one than before, where i'd make a great effort to contribute to that)
In the meantime, things were going decent i THOUGHT for a couple weeks now... but then yesterday she completely broke down again in the sense that she told me this really isn't gonna work out and that she tried but in the end she cannot see herself living with me for another 40 years. She said she is now in the middle point in her life and that she now wants to start over with someone else who gives her excitement and makes her feel "alive" again, she craves FREEDOM, spontaneity, and excitement which i cannot give her i guess. She also said that if we didn't own the house together and that if the kid wasn't there, she'd be gone already.
So yeah... basically what happened was i slowly built my trust up towards her over the last weeks and i thought things were going well actually, only to be completely CRUSHED again just yesterday.
Thing is after telling me all this of course... she also told me that she loves me and that she is confused and that she doesn't know what she wants.
After i told her that "if that is truly how you feel, then i really don't want to stay with you anymore, i deserve someone who appreciates me for who i am and for what i do. I deserve to be loved" she kinda backed up a little and said that i should give her a couple more weeks to think it over and that we shouldn't rush things now and that i probably shouldn't take everything 100% serious when she is in state of mind like that.
WTF! So yeah, you get my dilemma here, she is totally lost, totally confused emotionally. She doesn't want what she has, she wants something else, something more, but then when it's looking like she is losing it for good, she paddles back and can't go through with it.
Drives a guy crazy. I feel like I need to make a stand here and give HER a sort of ultimatum, or at least a CHOICE.
She either takes me as i am and loves me, (note that of COURSE i am willing to make changes and become a better husband during this) and by "as i am" i mean the CORE of my being.
Or she makes up her d@mn mind and tell me it's OVER for good so i can move on with my life.
Does that sound like a good idea here? I feel like i kinda should do that but it may the be the exact thing that will drive her away for good? Just not sure how long i can this up emotionally before breaking down completely...
I don't see her being confused at all. She told you exactly how she feels RIGHT NOW. She doesn't want to be with you anymore and the only thing standing in her way is the house and the kids.
The question is are you ok with this? Do you want to be with someone who is staying for the kids?
Talking to her about making choices won't work. She's admitted that she's confused at heck. Generally the MLCer will take the road of least resistance, which means...she may very well say it's over.
The best thing you can do is learn to live your life for you at the moment. Leave her to her nonsense and allow her time to figure herself out. She can't do that if you are putting pressure on her. I know you want answers yesterday...but you aren't going to get the answers you want right now.
Start living your life and do things w/o her in them. If she truly wants to be w/you, she will find a way to do so. She is a roommate at the moment...she fired you as her husband. Expectations are going to make you frustrated and angry...she has nothing to give you at the moment but false words and stringing you along because she honestly does not know what she wants on any given day when it comes to a relationship w/you. Remember...this is her journey to self discovery. You were not invited on that journey, but someone left at the shore watching her travel across the sea to self discovery.
Keep the focus on YOU!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
They say no R talks. I thought that was to take the pressure off your w. But it also saves you the heartache of hearing all the crazy and contradictory stuff floating around their heads?
An ultimatum? It’s up to you but only if you are really done and willing to follow through with it. And only you know that. If you don’t know if you are ready, then you are not. Wait until you know in your soul it is right for you. Don’t make any emotional decisions. If it’s all too much right now, take a few days away from her and settle yourself down.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
Wish it were that simple... i still love her and i want this to work but then yeah i kinda do get the idea that she is just stringing me along because she does not see any real way out financially and also because she is in love with the idea of our family and that she is indeed TRYING to somehow make it work but her feelings of wanting freedom and wanting to try something else get in the way.
Maybe part of the problem is also ME not really making a stand here, maybe she is indeed LOOKING for me to put down my foot and either show her the boundaries OR make it crystal clear that i love her and that i am her husband and that i want us to be together. This HAS been an issue in the past (and present still) where i have problems making up my mind and taking a firm decision.
Anyway, so later in the day things calmed down as they often do between us and she was tired so she was lying down next to me and let me stroke her hair (something we often do still) so she clearly lets me give her SOME tenderness. Later on when she woke up she even gave me a little kiss on the mouth but when i leaned in for more she said that she cannot do that right now. This is of course what i read in another thread here, where women sometimes do this since they're not really in love with you or not ready for more than small caresses etc. ugh
It's all just so freaking SAD to be honest, it's breaking my heart just thinking about it... our son LOVES it when we're all together doing things like a real family and my W enjoys it too at that time... i love her and she loves me( granted the kind of love she has for me is probably varying all the time in her mind and heart) yet we cannot seem to find a way to communicate our true feelings the right way to each other.
She even told me today that all the things she is doing right now with her new best friend (not gonna call him OM since he is gay and it's platonic, 99% sure) like going to the gym all the time, going on crazy trips for a couple days, going out late at night having fun, she'd rather do them with ME than with him even, but she can't since i am not the kinda guy for that anymore. I am not spontaneous enough for her (there is truth in this) i am way too cautious, reasonable, and paranoid for her to have fun in the same way with me and that is what she is craving now.
I am pretty much venting here, but yeah i do agree that i probably should put the focus back on myself instead of trying to accommodate her every need like i have been for the last couple weeks, but then she'd tell me again how i obviously do not love her unconditionally and that i don't put her FIRST which was always a reproach that she made me earlier in our relationship and she was RIGHT as i was damn selfish and am only now trying to be a better husband/man.
The thing is, it's killing me though. I am not sure if i can keep this up, i WANT to be there for her, help her and support her every way i can to show her how much i love her but i don't feel her behavior changing in any meaningful way. As long as she doesn't know whether she wants to be with me for good or not, things won't make sense, there won't be any real relationship.
I honestly kinda feel like a doormat at times and i don't like it. It's all SO hard to juggle emotionally that it's tearing me apart at times... I am also struggling with GAL these days. Whenever i see her i want to be NEAR her even if it's emotionally draining, i miss her a lot
All the signs point towards this R being TOXIC to my emotional sanity, yet i can't quit as i love her and i love our family, it's all i've got really.
I am a relative newbie and not anywhere in your situation (no kids). So take this 2x4 with a grain of salt:
STOP. Stop now. Everything says this is not about you. Everything says this is fundamentally an issue that has been lurking in your wife. Everything says she and ONLY SHE can navigate through this, and that there is no guarantee she will come out of it. IF she does there is no guarantee you can reconstruct your marriage.
BUT EVERYTHING you are doing right now is wrong. It will only hurt you, it will not help her, and if anything it MAY reduce the chances of your marriage surviving. I think you know all this. And yes I completely understand how much it hurts to love someone who is in this state, want to protect and be there for them and to hope for restoring what you had. BUT COME ON accept that your marriage as you knew it is OVER.
Hanging around, caressing her, hoping for a kiss and for her to "wake up" right now is definitely like sticking your hand in the fire. Guess what the fire will burn just as it was, but you are the one who is burning off your flesh for no reason.
Detach now. Get a life now. Start focusing on yourself NOW. Focus on your kids NOW. And do this knowing it is the right path for YOU and it also happens to be the right path to let her go, create the space for her to go through this. You can not "put your foot down" and make her see, the core of this issue is for your wife to finally decide, stand, exist and FEEL all on her own, without ANY outside influence pulling her to or pushing her away.
Detach doesn't mean to not love, it means to love from a distance because you know to love her right now you have to let her go. And to love her means you HAVE to get yourself to a balanced space where you don't need her, to make sure you can still be there when and if she is ready to come back. Otherwise when she gets there you will be so broken and hurt that you may very well hate her.
