Gordie #18: still not divorced

[Gordie]

Cali,

Your words have been haunting me. I think unconsciously I have been punishing w. Nothing overt or aggressive but yes, a subtle jab here and there or a cold shoulder, I’m ashamed to admit that. No, that’s not acting like a man only a fool would leave. Maybe now I’m pushing her away?

Butterfly,

You are never too harsh. You keep me on track. Please keep reminding me to GAL. It was the perfect reminder for this weekend. I made sure to carve out some time for myself to go do some things by myself for my own enjoyment and enrichment. I got so carried away in one of my hobbies, I wound up staying up until 2am and I can’t remember the last time I did that. And then I got the best sleep I’ve had in a long time. Keep reminding me to do this—for my own sanity.

LH,

I totally agree with you. I want to see remorse. But that needs to come from inside of her and right now, it’s not forthcoming. When you say I have to let her go what do you mean by that? And why so hopeful re my situation?

Pax and Andrew,

Thanks. Those are the words I’ve been searching for. I like: I’m just not comfortable doing that right now.

***

Journaling:

W has been getting upset with me about more little things. As MWD says, I should see this as a positive. At least she cares.

So one thing w got upset about is that she says I have been ignoring her and not paying attention to her. This is her primary love language. She wants attention, my undivided attention when she wants it no matter what I may be doing at that moment.

W has also started to acknowledge some of the ways she contributed to the breakdown of the M. She had feelings that she didn’t communicate, she wanted things to be different but didn’t act accordingly.

She also did one of the signs on my list. She actually asked me a question about me and one of my interests. This is something of no interest to her but she actually asked me about it and listened to me.

So Easter Sunday and w joins the family at church. Some old friends say hello and w is friendly. We spend a lot of time together cooking and cleaning and enjoying ourselves. We enjoy our Easter dinner together and w says “it’s so nice to be together as a family.”

May you all be Blessed.