No more denial, time to get to work

[MRay]

Hi Sandi, it's good to know that others understand the pain I am going through. Well, not good, I wouldn't wish this on anybody but it does help to hear from people that have been through this. I greatly appreciate your time and thoughts.

I have had a successful vasectomy, so there is little chance of becoming pregnant by me. She did say that she doesn't think she could have sex with any man for a long time (a fear of pregnancy would be only one of the issues here). I believe that she really does think this though I don't think it would take nearly as long as she does. She does not have any mature women to talk to. Her relationship with her mom is much better now, but she is only now starting to realize how to talk to her mom through IC. She is an extremely private person.

I definitely understand that we are different people than we used to be. However, I really don't think it's that we grew apart, but that could just be my inability to see this from an outside perspective. In W's own words, we are perfect for each other on paper. Our goals and values align. Intellectually, monetarily, parenting-wise, etc. we are very compatible. From MC and IC, my understanding is that she doesn't want to be intimate with me because she hasn't ever been able to forgive/forget many small grievances that added up over the past 16 years. Small things that shouldn't have been left to fester if we had healthy communication over the years. This isn't exclusive to our relationship. W has done this with most close relationships in her life including her mom and her sister. She has always been really close to her dad, but they are just alike and they don't really talk at all anymore because they are both going through these really unhappy phases in their lives. IC is really helping her explore her feelings and she is trying to reconnect with the important people in her life.

Basically, everything points to no serious issues between us that are not fixable. We have discussed our communication issues, and I think they will be solved. There is just a lack of emotional attraction to me on her part. I'm not trying to say the blame is 100% hers, you can't control your feelings. She does seem to legitimately feel guilty and tries to take 100% of the blame. Honestly I think she feels worse than I do a lot of the time. I don't want her pity though. I do believe that our problems stem mostly from her issues and circumstances beyond our control, and she is in agreement if I am to believe her.

So how do I move forward? How do I become a man she can be attracted to with our history? Am I just not her type anymore?
Well, the OM is basically a carbon copy of me in terms of personality and looks. He's just, in my opinion, an inferior version of me. What does he have that I don't? A clean slate (her words). So again, how do I move forward? I just be the best me that I can be. I haven't initiated R talk in over two weeks, and I don't plan on starting one anytime soon. I've done nothing but make her smile and laugh over the last few days. She'll be heading on vacation, and when she gets back I plan on being gone for the weekend on my own vacation. She says she hasn't missed me in a long time, so I'll give her a reason to miss me. What's different than how I used to be? I don't EXPECT her to miss me. Do I have hopes hidden down in my thoughts? Of course, I can't help it. But it's not the driving force for me going on vacation. I want to do something on my own for me. I never would have done this before. I would have stayed home and waited on W and helped her get the stuff out of her car and done the laundry and taken the kids so she could have relaxed in hopes that she would appreciate and love me. Now I am taking care of myself and allowing her to take care of herself, because I have confidence that she can. What I think is an example of healthy differentiation. This is a 180 for me, and we'll see how it goes.

The biggest problem is that she just doesn't ever see us being intimate again. When we first decided to divorce and all pressure was off we were instantly best friends again. It's my hope that detaching and removing all the pressure will allow her to regain these feelings for me. We'll see. I'll definitely keep posting, and I will never give up. We may not reconcile, and I may have to move on from this R some day, but I'll never give up on myself or my family.