Newbie In Need Of Guidance #2

[sandi2]

It's really good to hear from you.

Work and commitments to the kids have kept me home more than I planned. I have been doing things around the house that are just for me though and have been spending a lot of time with S8 and D14 which has helped keep my spirits up.

I never have trouble finding work around my place. In fact, it seems to follow wherever I go. You are a homebody and a hard worker, so naturally, there will always be something you see that needs attention. Have you gotten the calendar out and planned some activities with the two youngest kids? I'm glad you are spending more time with them and the R is closer. You've just got put a little more effort into finding something fun to do. You know what they say about all work on no play, don't you? How can you expect someone like your W to be interested in a man who does nothing but work all the time? I can tell ya, that after a while, a W won't appreciate all that hard work......if her emotional needs are sacrificed in the deal. You say some of that work was for you........okay, if you say so. But can you tell me just one thing you did for fun, since the last time you posted? And don't you dare tell me you work for fun, b/c that's not good enough and won't pass for GAL. Women divorce men who do nothing but work!

I’ve been working on how I interact with my W and the image I project a lot.

Great! That type of work ^^^^^^^ is A-okay.

Even when I start getting depressed or mad about the sitch, I act as though I am happy. Not the easiest thing to do, but I’m doing it.

No, it's certainly not easy.

That is where the kids are helping a lot without them knowing it. Our relationships have gotten much closer and are keeping me going. So much so that I actually have found myself getting a bit jealous when my W is laughing or doing something with one of them. I know that is irrational since I have made it clear to all of the kids that they don’t need to be sucked in to this and that they can have any kind of relationship with their mom that they want to have, but still it is there.

No, it doesn't sound irrational, but it concerns me. Wasn't it you that told me that your personal world had been pretty much narrowed down to your W and kids? If most of your friends live out of state, and you aren't out GAL......where do you get a sense of commrodery, except for your children? Perhaps you feel a threat of losing them whenever you see fun interaction with their mother. ((hugs))

I am getting better at validating her feelings and listening more closely to what she is saying, which I think is playing a part in her attitude towards me. I’m not perfect at it yet and I am getting the feeling that she is trying to tell me something that I am not picking up on. She has said a few things that seem to be hints, but I am not quite sure.

Women are really bad to hint and speak in codes.......I'll be the first to admit it. IDK, I guess it's just something in our genetic make up. For some women, it makes them sound so pathectic to try and put into words what they really want.......and for the other women, they simply don't know how to tell their thick-headed H's...... in a way he can get it. Hey, that's what LBH's claim.......that their W didn't tell him in a way he could understand. Anyway, just keep doing what works.

My W’s moods have been up and down, as would be expected I suppose. Overall, she has been much friendlier and has started doing a few “wifely” things for me. In the last week has started talking to me a lot more. Don’t get me wrong, I know she is not back, but I am hoping she is softening a little bit. These changes came after I set boundaries a few times and a few words were said.

Wonderful to hear! I suspect the boundaries and you standing up to her has a lot to do with the changes. Some wives, who have been ignored/neglected for a long time, are like kids. What I mean is that they act badly to get some type of attention from the H.......even if it's his negative attention. Just don't get too relaxed, and think everything is fine. However, this update is encouraging to hear.

We had an argument about three weeks ago and this is when things started changing. It was a typical tit for tat type of argument, but I did some validating during it and drew a boundary. She brought up some things she has said in the past as well as a few new things, which I validated if I could. I also pointed out a few things she was/was not doing that she was also calling me out on. Not what I should have done if I was truly validating, but I did and it caused some changes

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Okay........I think. (lol). You kind of lost me there on the end.

During that argument she brought up in particular: Not doing things for her (she cleaned up a mess the dog made that I was unaware of so I did not help), not doing things with her, not telling her where I was going or telling her I was leaving (you were right, she does notice this) and I play on my phone and not talk to her (I stopped playing on my phone at home when she mentioned it in November)

As you've previously explained, you spent every spare minute working on something. If your W has felt neglected, not heard, not validated, and you didn't show her attentivness, then I think this her way of trying to tell you. A woman is like a flower. If you don't tend to her emotional needs, she'll turn ugly and die. I think you focused on working too much, and you started tuning out the things you considered as unimportant. One of worst habits a H can do is not listening to his W. It is so rude! Whether or not it's important to you......it was to her, and she is trying to connect to her H. If he won't listen to unimportant things, why would she want to share that which is intimate and personal with him? Having a H who doesn't hear her, destroys a woman's sense of value! It's the beginning of making her feel unappreciated, unimportant, and unloved by her H.

So, hopefully, you are improving in those areas^^^^^^^^. She wants you to show her she is still that special girl that has your heart. She wants you to do some action that simply says you care.........like cleaning up the dog mess. Listen, I think she wants and needs just the two of you to share in some activity that is not classified as "working". You know......like a few decades ago before all the kids came along?

I am not defending a woman who turns to another man while she is still M. But, I have to ask why you think she turned to someone else? She wants you to not only validate her, but praise her when she does something well. Notice her when she looks extra pretty. Share yourself with her. I think when a couple stops having pillow talk, they lose something very special in their relationship. I think her actions have been horrible toward you, but I also think she has tried to get your attention. I hope you are hearing me loud and clear.

Now, don't misunderstand me. I am not saying to smother her and slobber all over her. However, just start doing little things.......as an act of consideration (like when she took the sour cream to you). And for crying out loud, stop making her have to ask you to fix her car. I've told you that is a sore spot for women. It makes me angry and you aren't even my H! I'm not saying she should have ordered you to do whatever it was that she wanted........but had she already asked you to do it........like the last time there was a vehicle problem? Okay, I'll move on from that subject.

Compliment her on the cooking, or how you appreciate having fresh sheets. Compliment how she looks wearing a particular color, your favorite dress that she wears, or something about her appearance. Don't overkill. But just try it and see how she responds.

Have you noticed any changes about the EA? Is she contacting OM? If she is not contacting OM, then I have several suggestions in how you step up your game. But if you suspect the EA is ongoing, then I'll wait.

You still need to call her out whenever she shows disrespect. Don't stop doing what works.

I really think you have paid too much attention to working and neglected your W. Then, she gets cold and resentful and it becomes a tit for tat situation that runs into months and then years. It took her getting unbearable to live with, before you started looking for help. Now that you see first signs of improvement....don't go back into that old mold. If the EA has ended, and I pray it has........but want to hear your thoughts. Then we'll talk more.

Please don't wait so long to get back to us.