Newbie In Need Of Guidance #2

[rminer]

I’m still here. Just been tied up with other things lately.

As far as how things are going, I’m not sure, sandi. Things have changed, but I'm not sure that they are real changes or not.

As far as GAL, I have gotten in contact with a few old friends and have been catching up on things. Unfortunately they live out of state, so getting together isn’t going to happen any time soon. I’ve gone out a few times, but nothing major. Work and commitments to the kids have kept me home more than I planned. I have been doing things around the house that are just for me though and have been spending a lot of time with S8 and D14 which has helped keep my spirits up.

I’ve been working on how I interact with my W and the image I project a lot. Even when I start getting depressed or mad about the sitch, I act as though I am happy. Not the easiest thing to do, but I’m doing it. That is where the kids are helping a lot without them knowing it. Our relationships have gotten much closer and are keeping me going. So much so that I actually have found myself getting a bit jealous when my W is laughing or doing something with one of them. I know that is irrational since I have made it clear to all of the kids that they don’t need to be sucked in to this and that they can have any kind of relationship with their mom that they want to have, but still it is there.

I am getting better at validating her feelings and listening more closely to what she is saying, which I think is playing a part in her attitude towards me. I’m not perfect at it yet and I am getting the feeling that she is trying to tell me something that I am not picking up on. She has said a few things that seem to be hints, but I am not quite sure.

My W’s moods have been up and down, as would be expected I suppose. Overall, she has been much friendlier and has started doing a few “wifely” things for me. In the last week has started talking to me a lot more. Don’t get me wrong, I know she is not back, but I am hoping she is softening a little bit. These changes came after I set boundaries a few times and a few words were said.

We had an argument about three weeks ago and this is when things started changing. It was a typical tit for tat type of argument, but I did some validating during it and drew a boundary. She brought up some things she has said in the past as well as a few new things, which I validated if I could. I also pointed out a few things she was/was not doing that she was also calling me out on. Not what I should have done if I was truly validating, but I did and it caused some changes.

During that argument she brought up in particular: Not doing things for her (she cleaned up a mess the dog made that I was unaware of so I did not help), not doing things with her, not telling her where I was going or telling her I was leaving (you were right, she does notice this) and I play on my phone and not talk to her (I stopped playing on my phone at home when she mentioned it in November).

In rebuttal I reminded her that she stopped doing anything for me last November (I mentioned making enough dinner for me to have some in particular), I did ask her out once (before I came here) but she said “no” even though I gave options so she could keep her plans with her friends that night, that I am not required to inform her of my activities especially since she does not do the same for me and I stopped playing with my phone, but she texts, plays on Facebook and watches TV on her phone and ignores everyone else.

As I said, tit for tat stuff, but some things changed afterward.

Since then she has changed the sheets on the bed (she sleeps on the couch) and makes enough dinner for everyone. She has even went as far as to make food for me specifically if there wasn’t enough left. One evening I was eating chili on the couch and she noticed I did not take any sour cream, which I normally do. She asked why and I told her it was already put away and I didn’t want to dirty another spoon. She joked that I always eat after things are put away and that I need some because I can’t afford to lose any more weight (I have lost 20 pounds since this started and I was borderline skinny before). This was the first time she has shown any sign of concern towards me for months.

A week later she was out most of the night Saturday. When Sunday rolled around she went grocery shopping with my car (D18) had hers at work. When she came home, D14 and I went to the store to get a few things I needed for work. When we got home just before 8pm, my W was watching something in the family room, so D14, S8 and I went in to the bedroom to watch a show they wanted to see. We stayed in there until bedtime. When I told my W goodnight, she said “nice seeing you” very sarcastically.

Finally, last week is when the biggest change occurred.

My W was putting together a banquet for the organization she is involved with for S8 and getting virtually no help from anyone, not even the OM who is the leader there. Needless to say she was stressed so I offered to help a bit. Not because I was looking for brownie points, but because it was for my son and I would have offered if everything was ok between us anyway. This was on a Wednesday.

The next day she sends a text to me telling me to do something on her vehicle. I respond “Please?” because she demanded I do something. She did not like the response and got sarcastic, which I guess I can’t blame her for. I told her that she could have asked instead of order me to and that I don’t like being told what to do. She said she didn’t mean to order me. I said I understand that now, but that is not the way it read.

She said that she would just go "cry for the millionth time and go on with life like I always do." I asked why she cried over that and she told me that I make her "feel like crap." She went on to say that She "literally cries all the time now" and that after our argument I mentioned above, she went in to our closet and cried for an hour. I of course said that I never mean to make her cry. She replied that she doesn't doubt that and she "doesn't really ever know the right thing to say to you anymore."

To that I replied that she could stop shutting me out and try letting me in. Mabey we could have a real conversation about anything other than the kids. She then asked how could she let someone in who always finds fault with wht she says. I validated this and told her that it is not my intent to do so.

Some of this I know she is really feeling, some of it she is "rewriting." I am very careful about keeping things positive, so making her feel like crap is probably from boundary setting. This is something she is not used to, so me taking more of a stand and telling her point blanc what I will and will not accept is very different to her. I am never mean about it, just stern and to the point.

As far as "crying all of the time," I don't know. After we had the argument that I mentioned above, I was in and out of the house the rest of the day and I saw her on each trip. It is possible that this happened when I went out for the evening. As I was leaving, I told her I was going out for a while and she had a look on her face that was somewhere between disbelief and sadness.

I probably went too far with the "let me in" line, but one of her complaints is that we never talk. As part of my 180's I've been trying to make it easier for her to talk to me, so my thought there was that I would give her permission to try. I'm not the one trying to initiate (for the most part), I'm just trying to be more approachable.

When I got home about an hour after this exchange my W was in the kitchen finishing dinner for her, D14 and S8. I greeted her and got a cool reception, but I acted as if nothing was bothering me and asked what needed to get done that night for the event. Afterwards I went to take care of a few things I needed to do. When I came back 30 mins. later, she had made dinner for me and told me to eat before it got cold. This was a surprise since it would have never happened before. After I ate I sat down to help her until I went to bed. During this time we had our first real conversation since this started in November.

The next night was the same thing. I came home, ate, helped her and we talked like adults. We even had a few laughs. At one point my W said something and I didn't hear what she said. I asked and she replied with a smile on her face, "see, you don't listen to me." She knew i just didn't hear it, but I think she was trying to tell me something.

The next morning while we were getting things ready for the event, I could have sworn I heard her call me "Hon." I dismissed it as me hearing the wrong thing. We drove separately so we only had to make one trip and while we were driving I called her to ask a question. During the call I thought she called me "Hon" again. When tearing down after the event, she called me "Honey" as I was walking away to something. I asked D21 and D14 if they heard it too or if I was just crazy. They both said that the heard it and that they had heard her call me "Hon" earlier. I can attribute once to being habit, but three times makes me wonder why.

Ever since then she has had a completely different attitude towards me and the kids. She talks and laughs with everyone and is actually paying attention to D14 and S8. Im not being treated as the enemy either. As I said, I know she is not back, there is a very long way to go and this could change at any time, but maybe she is starting to think about what she is actually doing to her family. On the other hand, she could just be trying to suck me in again.

I have been listening with my heart as you told me to do, sandi, but I am worried that she is trying to send me a message that I am missing. She has made it a point to tell me that I never spend time with or go out with her to do something, we don't talk, etc. I've been following the advice of everyone to not believe what she is saying, so I have been writing this off as just idle talk. After she said "you don't listen to me" the way she did, I've started wondering if I am not hearing everything. Is this just her digging in the past or talking out of guilt, or do you think there is something to it?