But you aren't getting the fact she doesn't want to have an exclusive MR with you. Perhaps she has tried to tell you, but you aren't hearing what she says.........you are hearing what you want her to say.
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Not only are you not detached, but you are obsessed with the belief that if you two discuss your feelings enough.....it will eventually bring you together again.
To be honest to myself, this is completely correct. She has told me that at the moment she don´t want to have relationship with me. But I want to "turn every stone" as I have also said in the therapy... Feels bad to admit it, but I am obsessed.
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At this point, I think you probably need to stop finding a label for her that suits you. I suggest you end MC and seek IC with a different therapist. You need to heal and figure yourself out, before trying to figure her out. Put time and distance between the two of you. Free her to "grow" as much as she likes, while you learn to do the same.
I get this, but first things first: if I end MC, I´m afraid that if we end up not being together, I will regret that since getting to that therapist has been really big effort and we have got to taste what the emotional connection feels like (at least in my mind?). I see that I have this pattern of doing everything I can so that I don´t have regrets later.
BUT, I also know that W is not committed to R and maybe as you said, also wants to date another men. By letting her "grow" as much as she likes, I should also acknowledge this. And if she has a possibility to date other men, that´s a deal breaker for me.
SO, as LH asked,
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Now what are you going to do about it?
I´ve got an idea, but please help me to fine tune it.
I could say something along the lines of: "I guess that I have not listened enough your will to end our relationship. Since you are not committed to our reconciliation, the MC does not make sense. I have not seen any active steps from you´re side, but you just hang along. You clearly have an issues to solve for your self, where I cannot help you. So go and grow. I know that I deserve something better. I want a woman who want´s to be with me or nothing."
Then I could stop paying any other expenses than required by law, and let her live her life as she wants. Talking only kids and finance stuff with her.
But after this new scenario, I´m sure she´d probably go to see OM or others, and I have need to define terms in my head as well to get a clear ground rules with other women. If my W is dating other guys, I don´t see myself a married man either.
Having said all this, this feel so radical step to take. I know that I´m obsessed, but I´m afraid doing things that I might regret later.
On the other hand, I want to take my stand for me to be able to respect myself.
