My biggest concern at them moment is that what is the best level of revealing my feelings and talking about R. As I have said, I don´t have any expectations, but since she have said (as I written in previous post) that she would need to learn new way of being with me, I initiated the date with her and proposed that both of us just comes in as we are - no learned behavior patterns if possible (hardly I guess). I have not said ILY or anything like that, but due to my neglecting history, I have shared my thoughts and feelings more than some might suggest, in other words I have been quite open to just try that out before dropping the rope.
Just a few days ago you were saying:
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In addition to the MC, we have one touchpoint weekly where we discuss R matters.
And previous to that post, was you describing how you had revealed all your feelings to your W in MC. Today, you are still wanting to pursue your W and talk more about your feelings. Have you considered that your W does not care what you feel? And if she doesn't care, then she doesn't want to hear you go on & on about it.
I won't take time to copy and paste the various quotes to try and show you what I mean, but to summarize.......I think your W is feeding you a lot of babble. In other words......b.s. She is cake eating to the max, b/c she gets a week with her kids, a week to do whatever she wants without any accountability, and you pay the expenses. All she does is attend MC sessions, where she feeds you more babble......and you play along with whatever she wants.
Look, I get you were negligent in the past. I get that you are sorry, and that you are head over heels in love with her. I get out desparately you want to be with her, how you think she has become even more beautiful than ever.......yada, yada, yada. But you aren't getting the fact she doesn't want to have an exclusive MR with you. Perhaps she has tried to tell you, but you aren't hearing what she says.........you are hearing what you want her to say. She wants to date other men. You foolishly tell yourself that she is not contacting OM, but truthfully, you don't know what she is doing. It is what you choose to believe!
Not only are you not detached, but you are obsessed with the belief that if you two discuss your feelings enough.....it will eventually bring you together again. Frankly, I think she's stalling for time, b/c she laid out her terms and you took hook, line and sinker. As long as you are picking up the tab, why wouldn't she dangle you along? All she has to do is sprinkle a few crumbs and suffer through a few sessions of MC, and she gets her bills paid.
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I don´t know if it matters, but I have started feel that my W is not that much of WW, but WAW (loss of love). Yes, there was PA, but that was initiated by emotional needs. She has not had that much of GGW behaviour that I have understood WWs usually have and she is very committed with the kids. As said, don´t know if it affects anything, but this is how I figured it out.
And finally, the classic move of thinking this woman is not wayward, but a WAW. You can make excuses for her PA, claim she really didn't have too much GGW behavior, and she's a wonderful mother.........if that helps you to cope. Actually, I could (and did) make the same claim that my H neglected me and I had an A out of emotional need. I did not act like GGW, either. Did I have a loss of love? Yep, pretty much! Was I a WW? You betcha!
Here's what I learned about the whole "commitment" issue that waywards want to resist when first talks of reconciling begin. Without commitment, there will be a loophole, an excuse, some reason the relationship just can't work. You and your W can spend years in MC, but I have doubts of its success without commitment. I think you are trying to talk her into committing, but she needs to make that decision......free of you pressing her about it.
At this point, I think you probably need to stop finding a label for her that suits you. I suggest you end MC and seek IC with a different therapist. You need to heal and figure yourself out, before trying to figure her out. Put time and distance between the two of you. Free her to "grow" as much as she likes, while you learn to do the same. Then later down the road, maybe the two of you can find your way back together. But for now......you constantly wanting to pursue and have more R talks with her, is only pushing her away and hurting future chances.
If you intend to be healthy in this "journey", you need to stop your obsession.
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However, I need to admit that this story is not in my hands unfortunately.
That is true, so why not let it go?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
