WAW on rebound, toxic inlaws, mental health issues

[trbuste]

Generic question:

In a 180 situation do you completely ignore the WAW's birthday and/or the marriage anniversary?

Or do you simply send a basic "I'm thinking of you"

[trbuste]

Another two months have gone by.

I chose to ignore the anniversary as per my DB-coach's advice but I did write her a short note for her birthday wishing her a happy day. I did not get a reply.

I broke my DB-ing protocol and send her another (kind) email two weeks later saying "it would have been nice to hear from you"
Again no reply.

In the meantime I have been travelling through Asia and have been improving my self-worth tremendously, I feel like a different person. I was riding a "high" until I decided to check LinkedIn and noticed that my wife had changed her surname back to her maiden name. Again it was a huge punch in the gut.

The main frustrations that are grinding my gears and are keeping me awake at night are:
- the fact that her parents have instigated this and it's not much to do with our personal relationship as a married couple
- the fact that my wife has ghosted me and is refusing all communication
- the fact that my wife does not know the full scale of what happened behind the scenes

After 10 months she finally decided to go out with her girlfriends. According to one of her best friends, with whom I am very close she acted "skiddish", nervous and uncomfortable. It was clear she felt embarassed being in a social environment. Also she said that the ordeal had visibly stressed her out and she did not appear happy although she was trying to appear happy.

This is what bugs me so much, it's obvious that she doesn't want to end the marriage but at the same time she can't talk to me because she is not allowed by her mother..

How on earth do you break through this circle!

[trbuste]

I decided to start a new topic for my situation so it's better to summarise as a lot has happened in the past 12 months. I have been actively DB-ing and completed a 180 for the past ten months but decided now is the time to reach out to DW again as nothing has changed.

SDIL = Stepdad-in-law
PIL = Parents-in-law
BIL = Brother-in-law
FIL = Father-in-law

- I met DW overseas and moved to her home country a few years ago
- Landed jobs - life was nice and dandy for two years
- My ex-employer ripped me off for close to a six digit figure and fired me in a brutal manner
- I made preparations to take them to court
- SDIL told me I shouldn't do so because "bad things would happen"
- I proceeded, DW kept increasing pressure on me to drop it for months
- Formal complaint issued, company denied any wrongdoings
- My employment lawyer kept trying to schedule a meeting which they avoided
- Pressure from DW increased even more
- Court hearing finally scheduled almost nine months later
- Having casual conversation with DW five days before hearing
- DW says "I'm going to see my mum for lunch, see you later" and did not come home
- Next morning half the bank account has been emptied
- Days go by without communication and I had the worst time of my life
- DW moves in with her parents in a new apartment at an unknown location
- Counselling session occurred and DW admitted that taking the money was not her idea
- Employment hearing was postponed due to my emotional state
- I intercepted messages from MIL to DW telling her to "go dating and find a new man"
- One final counselling session DW says "I can no longer work on the relationship"
- Counsellor asked her if she wants a divorce to which she responds "No. I don't know."
- Weeks go by without news and I discover that DW had been unfaithful with a Tinder date
- Suddenly a threatening phone call by SDIL telling me they would come to pick up her stuff and "I better not be home"
- I packed all her stuff in boxes, placed a vase with flowers, a card and planted a recording device.
- Left a heart warming, caring letter for DW. When she found it SDIL said "do you want me to destroy it?"
- All boxes removed and DW is alone in the house. She breaks down, cries and shrieks in a way I have never heard her before and yells out "Why does DH not understand that he is fighting with my parents?"
- Knowing this I decide to seek contact with PIL and SDIL agrees to meet me
- He burns me through the ground for hours telling me "I told you bad things would happen",
"you will never see your wife again", "you need to pack up the house and move back to your own country".
- He continued with more BS such as "marriage is just a piece of paper", "if you try and see her I will get a restraining order against you.", "she is moving on!".
- I decided to ignore the toxic PIL and continue my employment case and reschedule it
- My BIL contacted my employment lawyer to request him to drop my case "on behalf of the family"
- If he did not drop the case "the family" would "testify against me"
- He decided not to drop it because I was treated unfairly and continued the case
- Police came knocking on my door after receiving a call about a suicide attempt
- Two months later, my hearing finally took place and I was ruled to be victorious
- Half-way throughout the meeting my ex-employer pulls out a piece of paper from his chest pocket and starts reading a testimony by my PIL against me, clearing the company of any blame which the judge dismissed
- In a one-on-one meeting my boss admits to me that he had been postponing the case "on behalf of the family"
- The day after winning my employment case my entire in-law family unfriend me on all social media
- DW started breaking down communications with her friends and her own FIL (!) and disappeared into anonymity
- Months go by with DW into hiding, does not talk to many people. Anybody that talks to her she tells "I am happy. My job is going really well." and nothing else. Nobody knows where she lives, not even close friends.
- Only three months ago DW finally moved out of her parents apartment, now living with another family member at an unknown location which is not traceable.
- DW has not spoken to some of her closest friends for months - varying degrees between Christmas, February. Only two people have heard from her in May and that is the latest communication from her.
- I tried reaching out to her casually twice now, both attempts received but unanswered.

TLDR; My wife was taken from me by her parents because they disagreed with me taking my employer to court.

Prior to all of the above happening the relationship with my PIL was absolutely fine and I never had problems with them.

The law in this country states that you have to be separated for two years before you can divorce and one year has gone by. The intention of the PIL is to let the two year timer expire so they can divorce me by sorting all the arrangements and paperwork and all DW has to do is put her signature down. This can be served and the marriage dissolved without any court, jury or judge interfering unless I reject it.
This is a typical case of "alienation of affection by PIL". Unfortunately that chapter is not covered in local law. DW does not know how her parents have manipulated my employment case and how they contributed to our marriage breakdown.

I am trying to come up with ways of communicating with DW so that she knows the truth about what has happened. Then she can make an informed decision whether she still wants to proceed with a potential divorce or not. I will never in a million years allow our marriage to be dissolved simply because my PIL no longer approve of me because I tried to seek justice.

-truthbuster

[trbuste]

OK... ground breaking change of situation. The wife has come out of lockdown! (at least to some extent).

Please, if anybody is reading this, please provide me your $2c of feedback because the next week(s) or so will be pivotal.
My DB coach is currently away and not available for another couple of weeks.

First of all I will summarise what happened:
* Friends suggested to give her little snippets of information about my life and our friends, the cat, the house etc. over the past few months and I have done so. The messages went ignored.
* Then about two weeks ago I lost my patience (not good DB-ing) and sent her an e-mail straight to her work inbox titled "We need to talk" and body of the message "Please contact me when you are ready"
* She then snapped back within 30 minutes I received two emails from her saying that "she preferred to hear I was thinking of her" and that "we need" was very forceful. Fair enough. But it broke the 8-month streak of silence.
* Together with another counsellor I had prepared a very personable letter full of apologetic language, and clearly showing the desire to work on the marriage again, inviting her for a conversation. I sent this on Friday.
* Within 3 hours I received a response from her again with the following, she said:
- that she cannot see how having a conversation would change things
- she would be repeating herself
- that I should have listened when she first raised relationship problems and I chose to ignore them
- never excludes having a conversation or shows unwillingness towards it, she just thinks it won't have a purpose
- goes on to say "that it would be better for me to find someone else" - again not excluding herself
- tells me that if I continue to reach out to her on her work address she will have me blocked
- makes absolutely NO MENTION whatsoever of any financial or legal consequences.

She specifically avoids using the word divorce (she has never said it, not once)
Makes no effort whatsoever to wrap up finances (assets/property) or any legal aspects regarding the situation
She acts as if the MARRIAGE DOES NOT EXIST and this is simply a teenage break-up where you break off contact and never see each other again.

[NicoleR]

Hi Trbuste, your situation is a tragic one. It seems as though you've been forced to fight for justice, for your wife, and for a path forward due to no fault of your own. It's hard to comment without knowing more because your first post on this thread talks about the employment situation and your wife's parents but your signature line talks about OM confirmed and ended and your second post says your wife tried to talk to you about problems earlier. So it sounds like there must be more to the story, but in any case, if your wife is an adult and she allows her parents to control her life and dictate her marriage then it could be difficult to ever be with her again without that fear of her parents and her loyalty to them over you. Perhaps there are cultural considerations like she's from an Asian, Middle Eastern, or African country where parents have more control over their adult children than the average Western family?


What do you wish would happen? Do you wish to find a way to talk with your wife to reconcile or do you wish to simply start the divorce process as soon as it's allowed? If it's any consolation, apparently there are people in the world that divorce and later re-marry (their original spouse). It sounds like there are many legal considerations in your case and it's not as simple as talking things through. Perhaps it could be worked out more easily if you get a lawyer who speaks with her lawyer but that of course will be expensive.

I wish I knew more to comment more but I hope you get other good advice! Best wishes for a breakthrough to happen soon.

[ovrrnbw]

She came out of lockdown to take a bite out of your butt it seems.

I'm not going to say you are wrong for trying to shake things up. But why email her work? That's a bit dramatic. My W freaked out and called my office, it seemed like she was losing it.

You came off quite forceful, and she said as much. That she thinks talking won't change anything, so quit trying to prove her wrong. You are just proving her point by doing this. Action over words.

[job]

I have merged your two threads together because your previous thread only had 41 postings. Please stick to one thread until you have reached 100 postings/replies. You can change your topic/subject title at any time within a thread.