WW in MLC affair and I need advice..

[Natash]

I am interested in knowing how you see conflict in the two. What do you see as "tough love" and "letting her go"?

I feel tough love would be to stand up to my wife and be firm with her. Like in the past she could roll her eyes at me over something simple that irritated her. Now I tell her "there is no need to roll your eyes at me, I find it disrespectful". Telling her that I won't share her or a bedroom with her also seems like it would fall into this category. Anytime there was a time she needed to feel the consequences of her decisions would be TL too. I guess I feel if I'm showing her feelings even if it is from tough love that it contradicts the let it go theory. I wouldn't show the little old lady for a roommate tough love. Maybe I'm misunderstanding or missing something?

"I think the core issue is NGS. ((hugs))"

Yes, I think you are right. There are many NGS traits I don't have (openly honest,don't use a "hobby" or activity to pacify anxiety, am driven//non procrastenator),etc but when it comes to women, I have many ngs traits.

Okay, let's talk about your plan, so far. I want to make sure I have it right.

* You are standing for your M. (What does "standing" look like to you)?

*. You will interact with your W as if she is paying for room & board at your home. (Is this correct)?

* You are "letting her go".

* You will not tolerate her disrespect toward you or your children.

If there is more, then add it to your list. In the meantime, I will share my thoughts about these four bullet points above. You can post your thoughts.

You are exactly correct. I am interacting with my W as she is a roommate. No physical touching, no R talks. We coordinate the weekly meals, she buys groceries, and we take turns preparing meals. Any talks have been about her health, feelings, or topics pertaining to our girls. I am standing to stay true to my vow and I am letting go of my W. She might come back, she might not. I can't control her or have any expectations from her. I can not stand the constant cellphone use/messaging but haven't thought of a way to discuss it without coming across as controlling. So I am biting my teeth and bearing it knowing I can't control her and she will do disrespectful and hurtful things while wayward.

I previously shared my thoughts about interacting as if she were a boarder in the house. Do you feel you are able to relate to that scenario? I just wondered, since the "boarder" is sharing the marital bedroom with you. It is your decision if you want her to sleep elsewhere. It is best for the faithful spouse to remain in the marital bedroom, especially when the faithful spouse is the also the man and head of the home, the protector and provider.

I am completely able to relate but struggled with the sleeping arrangements. She has never said she wanted me to sleep else where. You just clarified it for me by saying it is my choice.

While on the subject of the WW leaving the MBR, let me add the other side of that coin. There are some WW's who are so out of control and can become enraged so easily......things can turn physical if the H tries to force the WW out. I know of at least one case where the cops were called and H was carried to jail, and he never touched his W. He simply continued to throw her things out of the MBR. She was yelling and cursing......I don't know about him. At any rate, this is not something children should witness, and the original purpose of having the WW sleep elsewhere has been lost, if the H has to succumb to the bullying actions of his WW. Any type of domestic violence is not the answer. So, every man has to judge for himself (he knows his W much better than we do) and determine how to deal with it, and if things might get out of hand.

My wife has a temper and mouth to go with it especially if she has a few drinks. Tonight I was going to move her items out of our room and when she gets back late tonight shed see I had enough...but...I always wondered if it would back fire or be worth it? Would she throw a Tempertantrum and wake the girls? Would she get pissed and say screw you and move stuff back in? Would she start throwing items late at night? You helped me realize I can suck it up for a few more late night weekends and avoid anything escalating out of hand.

You think of her and treat her as if she were no more, and no less, than an elderly lady staying there for room/board. If you'll work at having that mindset toward her, I think you'll see a difference in your feelings.....and certainly in actions.

This was very helpful in getting me to focus and relax with our routine interactions and move towards detatching. The struggle comes when my W and I interaction s envolve the girls. Last weekend I told the W I was taking the girls to the Maple Festival. She could join us if she wanted to but if not she could stay home. She joined us and it was a pleasant day. We went out to lunch and the W thanked me twice afterwards (hasn't thanked me for going out to eat in months even before A). I feel these situations allow her to cake eat.

Calling her out whenever she shows disrespect toward you, is better than just ignoring it. As long as she stops doing the action, then continue calling her out. If she doesn't paathens to you calling her out........then what?......but, I've learned that to a lot H's with NGS......that means to walk away. In some instances that is the best thing to do.

Calling her out has worked every time. I don't think she used to it might it might change if she does. Yesterday we were leaving D5 spring concert and she started bit*hing about where I chose to park. She gave me a smartass "yeah, great place to park, we are getting out real quick!", I stearnly and calmly said " I didn't say we'd get out quickly, I said I picked this spot because it would be easier to get the truck out of (a parking lot full of vehicles). "Oh yeah" she said, "it worked great". I looked over and firmly said " are you done?!" She said with a smirk "nope!" But that was it, she dropped the topic.