So glad I've found this community. Based on what I've read, you all really know how to help people like me.
I'll try to be as concise as I can. But I really need help.
My wife and I were married in 2010. We had lived together for a year prior. We had our challenges. I had lost my job a few months before getting married and that put me in a bad place. I would talk to other women on the internet and she caught me. It took some time, but she forgave me. That was my last foray into doing anything inappropriate that would violate the vows I was preparing to take.
We started right away for a baby after getting married, and it only took a couple months to conceive. We now have two girls -- 3 and 6. They're the absolute best and I spend as much time as my work schedule allows with them.
Her work schedule and mine always seemed to butt heads -- leaving us little time for ourselves. We rarely, if ever, had sex -- to a point where we got used to it. We were like best friends that lives together and enjoyed our time together.
Unfortunately, I was a poor listener. A poor compromiser. I was there for emotional support when needed, but was the kind of guy always trying to fix the problem -- not just letting my wife talk it out the way I should have. Essentially, over time, she became detached and became very close to the very definition of a walkaway wife.
Last July I noticed her distance growing wider -- nothing I could really put my finger on, but enough to make me notice. Im early August I eventually asked her if there was something going on she needed to tell me, and she told me she had essentially been having an emotional affair with a man who lived back in her home state, about 5 hours away, someone she dated before me who was unhappily married.
Unfortunately, I blew up. I didn't handle it the way I wish I should have. I yelled and begged her to stop. I thought if I could just get this guy out of the way, things could get back to normal. The worst thing I did was go to our best friends and got them involved. I thought my wife was in a dark place, and everything I read was that I couldn't confront her. I needed someone to talk to her and let her open up.
Looking back -- OBVIOUSLY this was a very bad decision. But I was an absolute disaster. My world had been turned upside down and my head was a mess.
She was very upset that I told our friends. She said I took her best friends away from her. I don't blame her for being upset. However, those friends have not judged and have always said they are here for us no matter what. Unfortunately, my wife wants nothing to do with them. Whether it's shame or something else, it doesn't matter at this point.
From late August through late January it was a struggle. My wife and I started therapy, but our therapist said we weren't ready for couples therapy. We started going on our own until he told her she didn't need to go anymore -- that she clearly was "on the landing" trying to figure out which way to go in our relationship. I kept seeing him and he's helped me quite a bit.
I feel like I've had a revelation about what it means to be in a relationship. How to really be a partner who listens and compromises. How to put my partner first when we're together and put myself first when we're not.
During that time, from August to January, she said she was not in love with me anymore, but was curious if she could get the spark back. So she stayed. She also said she was sticking around a bit for the kids. But at the same time, she didn't see any way for us to work. She didn't want to even try. Over those months, we had our good times and bad times. But never any sex. And eventually separate sleeping arrangements. Essentially separated but in the same house.
I did my best to focus on myself. But I know I couldn't help but be suspicious that something was going on. And that probably shown through.
She said I was obsessed with worrying if she was still talking to him. And she said she wasn't. She said he was always the symptom to our much larger problem. I agree with that, but he was also the only way I could figure out if she was really giving us a shot or not -- if she was still talking to him, then we weren't getting a fair shake and she didn't have an interest in working on us.
In October we had a blowout fight. It was mostly her just screaming at me and demanding a divorce. I later found out it was because she discovered I was looking at the phone records. (Again, a bad decision on my part ... getting my crazy to go away took way too long) Around this time her Dad got her a "burner phone" to use just in case things got bad with us. I didn't really understand the rationale, but I didn't fight it.
Fast forward to early February when I discover that not only that she had sometime in the past several months been physical with the other man, but was planning a weekend away with him in two weeks. She had been lying to me that it was supposed to be a birthday weekend with her girlfriends.
I waited a day to compose myself and see my therapist. The next night I told her what I knew. I calmly told her how upset I was and that we needed to discuss where to go from there. But that I needed time to figure that out.
Soon I came up with three conditions for her to continue our relationship. To see if we really wanted to give it one last try.
1) She had to stop talking to the other man, 2) She needed to start going to therapy with me, and 3) She needed to start doing mechanical exercises to try to improve our relationship (e.g. the Love Dare)
IMPORTANT NOTE: This was all before finding out about this website and some of the strategies.
A couple days later she said she had a couple conditions herself 1) That I wouldn't make her do anything she didn't want to do and 2) That I would keep on the positive changes I'd already made
Obviously, those were ok by me.
The next day, she called me at work and said she was in. She was willing to try.
The next couple weeks were positive. We joined a gym together. We did more laughing than we had in a long time. We hung out together at night and watched some tv.
Then, another bomb dropped. My oldest daughter told me Mommy was talking a lot on a strange phone. Not her normal phone. My wife told me she had been talking on it, but only to her family, and that was just because her Dad, a known penny pincher, had been paying monthly for it and said he would take it away if she didn't use it. Obviously, that was very hard to believe, but I chose to believe her.
Since then, I've heard some positive things, but mixed with negative. For example, "you're the man now that I've always wanted. it makes me so sad that it took another man for you to change. Why wasn't I good enough to make you change?"
I haven't had a good answer for that. And I never will. Sure, there were a couple times that she said we should maybe try therapy, but that was mixed with her telling me she would tell her friends what a great husband I was. I never knew things were as bad for her as they were.
Right now, I have a bad feeling she is still talking to the other man. But I can't confront her about it.
Based on what I've read here, I shouldn't push her to therapy until she becomes more engaged. I also think we should stop reading the Love Dare (but now I'm worried she'll have more questions if we stop).
I know I should just focus on being her friend. Continue improving me. And hope for the best.
But I'm just so anxious all the time. I worry constantly that she is still talking with him, and that means our relationship is doomed. I love her, and I finally know HOW to love her. But I worry it is just too late.
I'm waiting for some more positive sign. Like her asking me to sleep in the bed again. Or to sit next to her when we watch tv. That seems like all I can do.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I've been where you have been. In fact, I had a moment this morning of wanting to ask my wife if she was still talking to someone online. But here is the thing, and this is hard thing to learn: YOU CAN'T CONTROL HER
We LBH spend so much time trying to figure out a way to control our WAW/WW that we forget the key approaches to DBing. So you need to try to learn that a) she is going to do what she wants to do no matter what you do b) the best way to combat that is to become the best spouse you can possibly be.
Those are difficult. I know. It has only been a few weeks (5 maybe?) since I have been able to stop snooping on my W. The snooping did nothing to help. In fact all it did was 1) upset her, 2) cause me to learn things I couldn't control, 3) cause me to be even more obsessed about trying to control her.
Notice, none of those things are good things! It sounds like you are doing a lot of things right, but you are focusing on the wrong things. Focus on you. Control what you can control: YOU! Stick to her 2 requests and be the best you, you can be.
And forget your past mistakes. The best way to make up for them is to not repeat them. So don't talk to friends and family about your W, and makes sure to keep up on the positive changes you've made which she seems to be appreciating.
One last thing: WWs don't stop because you catch them. They just become more stealth. This is true 99% of the time. If you catch them by checking phone records, they will get a burner. If you catch them by snooping on their PC, they will quite using their PC for things. If you catch them by looking at their browser history, they will clear it after each use. It is kind of like security, any security you institute, there is a way to defeat that security. WWs become masters at hiding their activities.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
hello, State18... i am a former wayward wife, and three years ago my H and i reconciled after a lengthy separation... i will be following your situation and replying... but i am going to hold off for a bit until you get some other responses... i tend to be hard on the wayward spouse, and i do try to hold the left behind spouse's feet to the fire... i hope you find my contributions useful...
Sounds like have been doing some great things so far. DBing before you knew what it was.
Why do you want to stop the love dare if your W is committed to doing it. I would see it thru, if a WW is committed to working on the R then let her. She gets to see the person only a fool would leave. You can out all your changes on full display.
The problem you are worried about is her cake eating. But until you find factual evidence continue down the path you are on. One you find that evidence, prepare yourself for the confrontation. Read "love must be tough", he has a section in there talking about the confrontation that must happen if you find evidence.
Be patient and you will get the evidence you are looking for if any is there.
She is addicted, and she havent felt a lost from her infidelity yet.
When/if that evidence appear you have to be tough at that moment, dont beg, plead, ask her to stop. Tell her get her sh!t and get out. Dont try to stop her. Let her go if she leaves. If she don't you give her options, not demands.
I told my W, she had to options.
1. She can continue talking to OM and leave.
2. Stop talking to him and stay.
Notice I didnt demand her to do either.
Both were her option. She chose 2. But she can have easliy chosen 1. Either way I had to live with her choice.
Don't tell your W about this site, its for you and not her.
Read everything cadet left for you in the first post. A vet will weigh in soon. Just keep posting. The more you post, the more your feed will stay at the top. Be specific with what you post. There are no surprises here. People in all kind of sitches that show up here.
M:37 W:37 T:11 M:10 S17, S13, S10, S4 BD:06/28/17 OM confirmed 07/20/17 Recon the M 10/29/17 Working hard:2gether
Onward and forward
This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
The problem now is she is “hiding” a lot of her texting. Turning her phone towards her. Checking to see if I’m looking.
She does this thing where if it’s innocent, she turns the phone and shows me. But then other times totally avoids it.
I feel it’s very likely she’s still into him and biding her time. She set up her own bank account a couple months back and I think she is saving up.
We had a tight month financially and she didn’t once offer to give a little more of her paycheck.
I guess I feel like right now she has told me she is trying just to try to get me off her back. And yet at times she is also excited about the future. Joining a gym. Buying a bike so we can ride together.
I feel like she’s truly trying to have her cake and eat it too.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I just feel so helpless. I can keep being “just a friend”, but how does that possibly compete with someone who is able to call her sexy without feeling like I’m crossing some line with her and making her uncomfortable? She claims she’s trying. But it doesn’t feel much different than the past few months.
This guy is able to make her feel sexy and wanted. Tell her the minds of things I used to be able to. How can I possibly compete?
