My delima is choosing when to use which one? Should I use let her go over tough love? I know for myself the tough love will be something I have to work on. Right now W is still sharing our Master Bedroom. I feel like if I put my foot down and say enough is enough, you need to sleep else where before moving out that conflicts with the let her go approach.
I am interested in knowing how you see conflict in the two. What do you see as "tough love" and "letting her go"?
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I think the core issue is I have not been able to come up with any boundaries to enforce while WW is still home (other than calling her out on any disrespectful words/ actions towards the girls or myself)
I think the core issue is NGS. ((hugs))
Okay, let's talk about your plan, so far. I want to make sure I have it right.
* You are standing for your M. (What does "standing" look like to you)?
*. You will interact with your W as if she is paying for room & board at your home. (Is this correct)?
* You are "letting her go".
* You will not tolerate her disrespect toward you or your children.
If there is more, then add it to your list. In the meantime, I will share my thoughts about these four bullet points above. You can post your thoughts.
To me, "standing for your M", means to remain faithful and honorable to your wedding vows, as long as you are married. It doesn't mean you broadcast how YOU ARE STANDING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE! It doesn't mean you try to get others to agree with you. It doesn't mean you take on acting the role of a victim, get sympathy from others, portray yourself as pitiful to her, try to make her feel guilty, etc. In no sense of speaking, should you ever intentionally appear to her as if you are self-righteous.........or sacrificial. Standing for your M is a personal decision. Allow her the same privilege.
I previously shared my thoughts about interacting as if she were a boarder in the house. Do you feel you are able to relate to that scenario? I just wondered, since the "boarder" is sharing the marital bedroom with you. It is your decision if you want her to sleep elsewhere. It is best for the faithful spouse to remain in the marital bedroom, especially when the faithful spouse is the also the man and head of the home, the protector and provider. I talked more about the symbolic meaning in the marital bedroom and the importance of the husband/father remaining there, in my first thread about the mindset of WW's.
While on the subject of the WW leaving the MBR, let me add the other side of that coin. There are some WW's who are so out of control and can become enraged so easily......things can turn physical if the H tries to force the WW out. I know of at least one case where the cops were called and H was carried to jail, and he never touched his W. He simply continued to throw her things out of the MBR. She was yelling and cursing......I don't know about him. At any rate, this is not something children should witness, and the original purpose of having the WW sleep elsewhere has been lost, if the H has to succumb to the bullying actions of his WW. Any type of domestic violence is not the answer. So, every man has to judge for himself (he knows his W much better than we do) and determine how to deal with it, and if things might get out of hand. Has she said anything about wanting you to sleep in another room?
"Letting her go" is to removing your need to control her. (Don't confuse this with letting her dishonor your boundaries. We can talk about that later). Letting her go is dropping the emotional rope you have tied around her. Currently, you want to pull her back with that rope you've tied around her. Let it go. "Letting her go" is you letting go of having expectations. In other words, you don't do something just to see her response, nor get your hopes up b/c her mood was better one day. You think of her and treat her as if she were no more, and no less, than an elderly lady staying there for room/board. If you'll work at having that mindset toward her, I think you'll see a difference in your feelings.....and certainly in actions.
"Letting her go" doesn't mean you are giving up on the M. It doesn't mean you have to act happy that she's tearing apart the family. It doesn't mean you show approval or disapproval. It just means you stop trying to pressure her. You stop guilting her, and trying to persuad her to stay. As far as she can tell, it looks as if you've stopped striving to save the M. When this happens, she'll feel the pressure release and she'll probably act real friendly and happy. Some WW's even become affectionate toward the H. Don't let it throw you for a loop. She's just responding to feeling the lack of emotional pressure from you.
Calling her out whenever she shows disrespect toward you, is better than just ignoring it. As long as she stops doing the action, then continue calling her out. If she doesn't paathens to you calling her out........then what? That's when you need to implement some action to protect your feelings.......and/or the kids. Your goal is to protect your feelings.......but, I've learned that to a lot H's with NGS......that means to walk away. In some instances that is the best thing to do. However, if it means walking away causes him to look like a wuss, then he needs to do something more effective........otherwise, she's going to continue disrespecting him.
So, what does tough love look like to you?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
