Divorce and Acceptance- Part 2

[ciluzen]

Hey Pax,

First off...you're welcome if my post was helpful to you in any way. I don't actually feel courageous, though. I was more...overwhelmed by emotion and understanding. As I said, the EFT seminar (actually an "externship") was such a deep experience...my program cohort is still talking about it. We needed all of the carbs that week...donuts and pizza were neeeeded; even for the strictly health oriented.

No one just does things to be mean. Behavior is often need-based. How we perceive things is usually based on how our experiences in our FOO family and life shaped our ideas of what is right or wrong; what is normal and acceptable; what is comfortable and uncomfortable to us. When our relationship is strained, it is usually because our needs are not being met in some way. We react to this in the ways that we learned to early on in our lives. If we were lucky enough to have learned good communication skills, we calmly confront and ask for what we want and need. If not, we do what we learned. We withdraw and avoid, even lie and stuff our feelings until they spill out as contempt and anger. Or we confront and attack, complain and blame in the name of being "honest" about our feelings. Trust or mistrust is often at the base of our core feelings. It can create feelings of loneliness and pain...can I trust my partner to see the real me and still love me? This mistrust hampers communication in the ways stated above. Our reactions to our partner's communication and mistrust may actually play into their fear, as they perceive things in our reactions that their experience tells them is untrustworthy and dangerous. Our reactions, however, are based on what WE have learned and perceive based on our own trust issues. It is then a shared dysfunction of trust and communication.

(Sigh). I believe going through the D is the hardest part of all. You both want to fix a problem, protect yourself emotionally, financially, mentally, and physically. But those memories of closeness and what was are there. Loss of what you had, materially and in your relationship and the anger and grief of the situation in the here and now. Regret and guilt, add that in. Oh, add to that a bit of fear of the future and "is this the right thing". Trust me...its hard on both of you. Divorce $u(k$ and it really is a process.

So, I had a point somewhere. Oh, yeah. Go through the D in whatever way works. You may have to give what you don't want to to get out quicker. Tell yourself you're a better person, martyr, taking the high road...whatever. Get it over with. Rip off the bandaid. Then just work on yourself, not just by doing "all the things" and setting and acheiving goals, but by listening to others and understanding why we people do the things we do. I'm going to sound like a hippy (no judgement), but learning to accept people faults and all and loving them anyway can change their view of self. Letting go of anger becomes easy when you realize anger helps no one. I figured that out very recently. VERY.

Unconditional love and understanding. Boom. Life changer. Then I was ready to talk to XH, without worrying about what he thought. I apologized to him for no other reason than to let him know I understood the pain I had caused him...finally. And to lighten my own load. Having that knowledge with no where to put it was going to burden me with a gut ache. So I offered it up with the apology and he accepted it. My apologizing helped him to feel finally heard and it eased both my anger at myself for hurting him and my ensuing guilt. I have more to aplogize for, but with understanding also comes the knowledge that he can only absorb so much at a time.

Warning: don't try this trick at home...and don't do it until you hear a "pop" when the realization that his anger is from his deepest pain:the disappointment that your relationship still made him feel alone and unheard; his need we all have to feel a real bond with another was unmet. And vice versa, but that's his part to figure out.

I'm realizing this is all a process. Its also very much like a twelve step program...as is DBing. Look it up (steps). It might be helpful.

Oh, and I probably ate all of your emergency chocolate. Was it dark? Its gone. My bad.