Yes - I realize that now. I need stop saying "this is not what I want" and scale way back. Tonight (after a good session with Chuck) I managed to have a good talk with her, where I expressed a desire for self improvement, but no indication that I wanted to continue things. I even wisher her luck with her new place.
That's perfect! Just understand that she doesn't care about your self-improvement right now, so don't spend a lot of time hyping it to her. She'll believe actions, not words. And for her to believe actions, they have to be consistent over a long period of time. So work on your 180's and stick with them! Take a long-term view.
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I did get cornered again when we started talking about logistics of the move, and she asked why I didn't want to get a D now.
OK well we do preach "no R talk" here, but we mean don't "initiate" R talk. If she brings it up it's OK to respond. Your response should be along these lines: "I don't want a divorce, I would rather work on the M. But I understand that you feel it's your only way forward and I support you in your decision." The idea is to "open the cage door" and remove all pressure. You're acknowledging you don't want D while also stating you're not going to try and stop it. You're also pointing out that it is HER choice one way or the other, you're not trying to control the situation. Does that make sense?
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In hindsight, I think you're right. One of the things my DB coach (Chuck) mentioned is that WAW will push buttons to validate their feelings. That "they do it to hear what the expect, not what they want". So while my initial response was good, that made her feel a little softer, which rattled her, and she tested me - and I failed/took the bait.
Don't look it as a failure, it was just a backslide. We all have/ had them. Learn and move forward!
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We talked for 10-15 minutes after dinner, and it felt (disturbingly) like old times. She even initiated a deep hug on her way to bed.
That's great! Of course it doesn't mean anything has changed, but it's a nice baby step. It means she's remembering good things about the M.
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I realize I need to GAL and start to move on, but (to quote Chuck) "Let's see how she responds to some physical distance, and to you not chasing at all"
