New LBW, H maybe in MLC and now with OW - part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Today I heard this:

"Once you know you have been a victim of abuse, then if you remain,

you become a volunteer."

I'm 17 months out of BD and have more peace in my life than I've had in years. And I have hope about romantic love in my life, BUT I DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE IT.

I do not "need" a man, to be happy. I'm dating a guy who put so much planning into Valentine's day that I almost cried. I felt ashamed of how much crappy treatment I'd put up with from x.

On Valentines day the last several years, IF I got anything, it'd be a movie x h wanted to see or a last minute dinner. ZERO planning.

It wasn't always that way, but eventually it was.

I had stayed in the unsatisfying m, based on x's potential as a h, not the reality.

I was a follower of the "sunk cost" theory where I did not want to walk away from the table, like at a poker game with so much in the pot, even though I knew I had a bad hand, I kept playing b/c I did not want to lose my investment. Plus I imagined x would suddenly become ALL that I had wanted, but for OW...

which is BS. Don't buy into the spin that YOU are the problem. Your h won't have a character transplant. I promise you he will blame shift his "misery" to you for some time and ACT HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY with the OW b/c that "proves" you were the problem.

Here's what you KNOW.
Your h has the capacity for cruelty and dishonesty, to the mother of his children - his wife.

Those^^^ are facts. Another fact is that He won't be making you feel like crap all the time when he's gone.

And WE know, in time, he and OW will be miserable, whether they remain connected or not.

I cut my losses...and lo and behold, I have found joy, and love in the "real world". It's better than I expected it to be this soon.

My losses are far outweighed by what I'm gaining. Self respect, great treatment by my BF, freedom to do what I want without pretzeling myself to fit into x's endless restlessness & discontent.

Meg, if if if there's a chance your h can really wake up and smell the coffee

and IF IF IF you really do want to reconcile with him (as opposed to you simply giving in to the terror of the unknown...)

I swear it's only by him losing you first. LET HIM GO and maybe you'll end up together.

or Let Him Go so you can be happy on your own, sooner...

The pursuit you've done, and being run over and shamed and manipulated --- that "approach" is failing.

Basic DB rule #1 is Do what works and do Not do what fails. Let go of this narcissist. You are allowed to hope he changes. But you cannot allow your children to see the way he treats you OR them.

I was one of those who thought staying together for the kids made great sense. And it can.

But there is always a cost. Sometimes we ought to "leave, for the kids."

You are not alone Meg, we are all rooting for you. We are on Team Meg.

((( )))