New LBW, H maybe in MLC and now with OW - part 2

[25yearsmlc]

I need some 2x4's

GAL way more.

Stop waiting for something to jump out at you. Don't assume an inspiration will come.

ACT and discover, rather than waiting for the discovery first.

Do what makes you Uncomfortable. Push the envelope.

As for sleeping with your h or not, why bother explaining anything to him?

LET HIM talk to you and don't bother the "monthly" prevention of ML. First of all, there are plenty of people who don't let that stop them and second, since he did not come right out and ask, then why assume that was the reason?

you're a fun smart woman and the mother of his kids. No need to apologize for not providing sex he did not ask for...it just lessens your own power.

Make sense?

RE GAL


You have to JOIN, VOLUNTEER, COACH or ATTEND New groups and things...this month.

Here are some of the things I did when I was fighting some depression and a stressful marital challenge IN the interior of Alaska, and yes, in the winter too.

OH, and I had a newborn baby (and 2 other kids)

I worked out and got in shape and I really looked my best - more helpful than I realized.

(Since I had a newborn, I scheduled with our older kids to help, or used the gym that had daycare)

I joined a writer's group. There, I met some smart people who had interesting things to say and cool ways of saying them.

I used a tanning booth (B/c even though skin cancer risks were bad, It FELT like an anti depressant.

I saw a therapist, and in the winter I took some anti-depressants.

I volunteered at a woman's shelter. I helped people, they were grateful and I felt glad to be in my own life. Felt empowered.

I took a Conversational French class and later, studied Italian cooking class.

I also did stand up comedy there (they needed to laugh!)

I auditioned for local community theater roles. Met super fun people. Eventually I got cast in good roles, often. Totally interesting social circles.

I learned to cross country ski, and went deep sea fishing and yes I hunted some big game too. Did a lot of target shooting too.


Joined the Bd of Director's for the State's Wrestling, as our son wrestled and it was a good way to meet other parents and support the team.

I learned to fly a plane, and I got my pilot's license.

I went skydiving. (These two things were the ONLY GAL activities that costs much. )

The symbolism of skydiving was crucial for ME, internally and spiritually.

I edited a hunting book. Jobs were scarce, I could do it from home. Turned out to be a best seller in its genre.

I volunteered at the kids' schools for PTA and field trips when possible.

I coached a girls softball team, twice.

I took a pottery class (Very unlike me).

I painted a few colorful paintings to get some color on our WHITE walls (with the snow outside, the landscape often looked like black and white film).

I finally joined the Officer's Wives Club (I had resisted that for out-dated reasons). I'd been a fool for delaying.

I made two LIFE LONG friends there, and without those women, I am not sure I'd have made it through 3 winters there.

I'd visit a sunny area each January and get my sunshine fix.

I learned to snow mobile nearly every day in the winter, so I'd be outside.



In sum, I forced myself to MEET NEW PEOPLE, LEARN NEW THINGS,
GO TO NEW DIFFERENT places...and discover things about myself, like that I'm warm, adaptable, very outgoing, and resilient, and that I'm a great catch. I like me.

This would not be what I learned by staying inside

hoping a "Confused/MLC/WAH" would start treating me the way I deserve.


I know you are very afraid. I get that. I was too.

There has to be a point when the fear of staying where/as you are now,

outweighs your fear of the unknown.

[KitCat]

^^^^^^^^^^ THIS^^^^^^^^

Meg - its normal to back pedal at times which is 100% of what you have done... you turned your H's temp check to full on pursuit by you.

Stop....

Stop assuming...

Start getting your own life and STOP catering to his whims.

Unfortunately your children may have to get used to seeing H at his small apartment. Its something you may have to encourage and push them toward. Do not use your kids as excuse to have your H over for family dinner while he still gets to play single guy all over town.

Worse case scenario - if you must when he comes over to spend time with the kids you will be out of the house after this Easter thing... GOT IT????? :-)

You can do this Meg

[artista]

Ok, I did a not-so-good thing, I told H it's ok to come spend Saturday night, have dinner and watch movie. I fell for his "poor me". He hasn't acknowledged it yet, just some of texts about financial stuff. We'll see what happens Saturday. I'm thinking it's the first holiday away this weekend, and maybe OW doesn't want him there for it, I don't know. But I will treat him like an out of town guest.

Bad, I know. But it will be good for s19 to spend time with H, he hs been asking all week to see him.

ugh, meg24... i agree... this is not good on your part... he is taking advantage of you... and after standing up for yourself (and your kids) by letting him know you weren't readily available, you gave right in... he's depressed? what about you? what about your feelings? what about your kids?

he is so selfish, but you allow him to be... you will not get passed this weakness of yours--being a pushover when it comes to your husband--until you stop his cake-eating on a consistent basis... you have to take the opportunities that come up and meet them head on... this was a perfect opportunity and you dismissed it...

you are not likely to get any real satisfaction from this... for all you know, OW is going out of town for the Easter holiday... maybe that's why he felt he could squeeze his family in his weekend schedule...

my two cents...

--artista

[new2nev]

Meg, you can handle it if husband ever files for D. You will be ok if you decide to file for D. Yes, it is a painful thought. We have not filed but may be headed that way shortly. I know exactly your feeling about the crying and crying. But I also have days of joy and more joy. I pray this for you as well. No more fearing a divorce. Your husband knows this and is using this against you.

The kids probably do not talk to your h much because you may have been the more involved parent. So if they did not share much when he was at home, what makes him think it would be different now? If he wants that fixed, let HIM do the work.

My h has told our kids they don’t care about him blah, blah, etc. He is feeling someway (your H) so want someone else to feel his someway. So if he can’t get you with the manipulation, than the next best spot is with the kids. The best move I ever made was getting our kids in to see a counselor. In four months, their overall behavior and mood is awesome.

Whenever your kids have feelings, do just as you mentioned. Let them process and talk. Your job is to hug, kiss, hold, console, love, acknowledge. Whatever you need to show you care.

Wow, really. He told you on Valentine’s Day he was going to see other people. Heartless.

I know I’m late but you just spit it out. No, I’m not comfortable with you spending the night. No blaming it on mother nature. Meg that email exchange between the two of you yesterday, well you got had. You did not stand your ground. I know it is hard, but you have got to stop being so accepting of those bread crumbs.

I'm speaking from experience. You will need much support for this to happen (stop accepting bread crumbs). I've found myself great support elsewhere and hope you will take the great support you are receiving on this forum.

[meg24]

I am kicking myself right now for telling H it's ok to spend the night Saturday. I was doing good, until this episode.

As for GAL, I'm now signed up on Meetup, there are some interesting groups that I'm working on scheduling in. All of the upcoming Meetups are about 35 mniutes away from me, so it will take some scheduling.

Tomorrow night I have a girls night out line dancing. I love to go dancing, but H isn't into dancing, so we rarely did, and only with a group of friends so there was always someone else for me to dance with. This will be the first time I've EVER gone dancing in my life without H. It will be strange.

I just want to thank everyon on here for the support, the reality checks, etc. I used to be such a strong independent woman, I really want to see her again. If it wasn't for all of you, I would definitely not be where I'm at. I really don't feel like I've made much progress, but the little I have made I couldn't have accomplished without all of you.

Thank you, truly and deeply, thank you.

[new2nev]

he is so selfish, but you allow him to be... you will not get passed this weakness of yours--being a pushover when it comes to your husband--until you stop his cake-eating on a consistent basis... you have to take the opportunities that come up and meet them head on... this was a perfect opportunity and you dismissed it...

Oh Meg. I agree with Artista.

I’m trying to learn to recognize manipulation. One from a couple of days included, “everything is always my fault” and “I don’t care to even live.” Me to myself, well it is, like 90%. Me to h, well I’m sorry to hear about that feeling. So I acknowledge his feelings but then told him not my problem he can't see the forest for all the trees.

Of course he cursed me in the next text and I did not respond.

Well h is still here and came and helped son do something at our home today. He got validation for that but not when he is being manipulative. Some of it is still hard to spot and challenge.

Listen to your support and when you fall get back up.

[BluWave]

Very rarely do I get so fired up when I read posts here, but Meg24, you (well your H) have got me HOT (and not in a good way)!!! You have appropriately asked for a 2*4, so I oblige you.

This jack-hole H of yours has been cheating on you for how long now? Then strung you along for how long? Bouncing back and forth between his man-baby trailer and your bed with you (while he is out chasing tail with OW and blaming you for his unhappiness)! Then he picks up and leaves his wife and kids (him and OW must have been in full swing so he decided it was really worth going for) THEN he successfully blamed YOU and YOUR kids for his unhappiness further!?! HIS unhappiness!!! My jaw is dropping further at how disgusting this man's behavior is, its appalling really.

And he continues to not only get his family time but he (cheating on OW) gets a full on booty call with you, his W? Or the only reason he doesn't is because you are on your period? Then he pouts and you care? So he is not only a master mind manipulator but a fantastic cake eater. (I just had to pick up my jaw again)

What am I missing here? I'm so floored I want someone to 2*4 me because I missed a huge part of the story! Please tell me what's happening here!

Assuming I didn't, well then let me tell you exactly how I would handle this "husband" of yours. No ML, no overnights, no family time, no response to anything but an email that is 100% about the kids and finances, and that's it!!! Then he gets an email back about his time with kids/finances only. Why? Because I value and respect myself, and NO man gets to treat me that way! I also want my kids to see how their mom deserves to be treated. So he can take them to his shack, take them to dinner, or if he has to visit them at your house, then you are off taking care of #1 (and #1 is MEG24 - a beautiful, intelligent and amazing woman who has no tolerance for this garbage and these games).

This guy deserves ZERO. He is a selfish and entitled wayward who cares about nothing but himself. Right now he has zero reason to change because he knows he can do whatever he wants and come and go as he pleases. And you are allowing it. I'm sorry, but you are.

Meg, you do not have to sit home and wait for this guy. Please stop and step back and look at his actions. Do you really want to be his plan B to OW? You are his W and the mother of his children. You accept nothing less than the respect and love you deserve!

I'm sorry. You can hate me for this. I mean it tho. We teach poeple how to treat us and what we deserve in life, we all do it every day. ... I wish I could go back and tell myself this, but I can't, so I am telling you all here. My H did his sharp 180 when I figured this part out, but it took me 10 long months to get there.

Know your worth, Meg. No one can see it until you do first!

Blu

[new2nev]

That grace and mercy you are giving your husband. You can use some for yourself. So give yourself lots!

[DnJ]

Hi Meg

Just checking in. I see you are getting great advice and those 2x4s you were asking for.

[25yearsmlc]

Today I heard this:

"Once you know you have been a victim of abuse, then if you remain,

you become a volunteer."

I'm 17 months out of BD and have more peace in my life than I've had in years. And I have hope about romantic love in my life, BUT I DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE IT.

I do not "need" a man, to be happy. I'm dating a guy who put so much planning into Valentine's day that I almost cried. I felt ashamed of how much crappy treatment I'd put up with from x.

On Valentines day the last several years, IF I got anything, it'd be a movie x h wanted to see or a last minute dinner. ZERO planning.

It wasn't always that way, but eventually it was.

I had stayed in the unsatisfying m, based on x's potential as a h, not the reality.

I was a follower of the "sunk cost" theory where I did not want to walk away from the table, like at a poker game with so much in the pot, even though I knew I had a bad hand, I kept playing b/c I did not want to lose my investment. Plus I imagined x would suddenly become ALL that I had wanted, but for OW...

which is BS. Don't buy into the spin that YOU are the problem. Your h won't have a character transplant. I promise you he will blame shift his "misery" to you for some time and ACT HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY with the OW b/c that "proves" you were the problem.

Here's what you KNOW.
Your h has the capacity for cruelty and dishonesty, to the mother of his children - his wife.

Those^^^ are facts. Another fact is that He won't be making you feel like crap all the time when he's gone.

And WE know, in time, he and OW will be miserable, whether they remain connected or not.

I cut my losses...and lo and behold, I have found joy, and love in the "real world". It's better than I expected it to be this soon.

My losses are far outweighed by what I'm gaining. Self respect, great treatment by my BF, freedom to do what I want without pretzeling myself to fit into x's endless restlessness & discontent.

Meg, if if if there's a chance your h can really wake up and smell the coffee

and IF IF IF you really do want to reconcile with him (as opposed to you simply giving in to the terror of the unknown...)

I swear it's only by him losing you first. LET HIM GO and maybe you'll end up together.

or Let Him Go so you can be happy on your own, sooner...

The pursuit you've done, and being run over and shamed and manipulated --- that "approach" is failing.

Basic DB rule #1 is Do what works and do Not do what fails. Let go of this narcissist. You are allowed to hope he changes. But you cannot allow your children to see the way he treats you OR them.

I was one of those who thought staying together for the kids made great sense. And it can.

But there is always a cost. Sometimes we ought to "leave, for the kids."

You are not alone Meg, we are all rooting for you. We are on Team Meg.

((( )))