That REALLY escalated fast. (Hoosjim's 14th)

[hoosjim]

So, her letter, that i read at MC/IC's suggestion was... i don't want to say good but... thought provoking. And anger provoking. and a host of other things as well.

On the one hand, she, finally, is saying all the right things: "What I did was wrong (and she gave specifics)", "I never should have done it" "It was disrespectful of you and of our mr and of our family", "I know it hurt you and I am sorry for that too", "It was the biggest mistake of my life" etc etc.

OTOH, she insists on, idunno, "justifying" is the wrong word because she says "there is no excuse", but "explaining", maybe? She says she has known her feelings for me have been growing but that it was just like when we first dated and she kept getting cold feet and didn't trust herself to be able to give herself fully to me... as she says has been the case with every relationship she's ever been in. She says OM had called her periodically at work and that she usually didn't answer or else put him on hold until he hung up, but that he kept leaving messages saying how much he was "into her" and implying he would come by the office, and he had approached our son once already (my son told me about it) so she was worried about that AND she says she was afraid of a confrontation between me and him (he has a concealed carry permit) so she would sometimes pick up and talk to him briefly, but she never went to meet him as he requested. Until Saturday. She said she had been feeling the barriers in her coming down, but she was still worried she was not going to be able to commit, or that she would change her mind, so she said she felt she wanted to see OM, in passing, just once more so she would know her head was in the right place and, when she did, she knew for certain there were no more feelings there. She said she had been "over him" for a few weeks now, as it was, and he was not "in her head" any more, but she decided to do this and, even though she felt nothing and that that was like a big burden lifted off of her it was a horrible mistake... she should have trusted me and trusted the counselor and gone to her first with her thoughts. She said she called me repeatedly after she left gym (she did, i wasn't picking up though because i'd seen OM going into gym-- he didn't see me) because she was so excited to see me, that she'd had this epiphany... blah blah blah blah.

I mean, some of that i can buy, and i don't doubt some of her sentiments are genuine. She invoked the souls of our four children, including the "two in heaven" which she almost never (and in the case of the one referring to the abortion she had in college NEVER EVER) discusses. This past weekend i know she had gone to confession and to mass for the first time in a long time. I know alot of you are probably rolling her eyes, but i know my W... even wayward she would never be that evil.

But still... she chose to do what she did. She continued to entertain advances (and they were unquestionably advances) from the OM by phone. AT A MINIMUM, she is guilty of a serious, serious betrayal of my confidence and trust, and epically bad decision making. And, given all of that, i can't be confident at all that there's not more... other shoes to drop.

And the fact that she even bothered to include any sort of explanation/justification/whatever you want to call it angers me as well. It was wrong. Period.

There was a lot of other sappy stuff in there: She knows what she wants now, and its me, and us, and our family, and to do all the things we never did before and have a fully intimate marriage where we share everything etc etc etc and that she is dying inside without me and knows i can probably never forgive her but she hopes that one day i can and that i can come home.

That's it. I'm still mulling it over. Like i said before i have a strong inclination, and had it already, that she had turned the corner. But that corner is still a long way from home.