Gordie #18: still not divorced

[Gordie]

Butterfly,

Agree. Not yet ready to open myself up. Guard is still firmly up.

Journaling:

So my little guy is expressing himself. One day, w came to a kid event separately from me and came in late and sat in the back. That was fine with me. Little guy goes to the back and takes her hand and walks her up to where the rest of us are sitting. Another day, I come home from work and give him a hug and he tells me: you should hug mom. And then another day we are eating dinner and he asks about OM2. No one has spoken his name in a few months. I say nothing. W says nothing.

This whole thing remind me of The Emporer Has No Clothes.

Another note: w has recently been wearing her ring again. I still do not wear my ring. We have not spoken of this. If asked, what do I say? I don’t feel like putting it on again because I don’t feel she has fully recommitted to the M. I feel like this is currently a M of convenience for her. It currently serves her purposes. This temporary state will end either in a recommitment to M or D. It will not last forever. I am choosing to hang in here, for now, in the hopes that she continues to work on herself and that one day she will be able to work on the M. On my glass half full days, I do feel as if she is making her baby steps and testing the waters.

Last note for today: I had another sleepless night last night. Only 3 or 4 hours of sleep and I have a big day ahead of me today. It’s gonna be a big coffee day.