That REALLY escalated fast. (Hoosjim's 14th)

[hoosjim]

You keep talking about this new Intel. Are you planning on sharing what that is? I think it would help us to understand and help us to help you. What did you learn that has you this sure? Or at least has you more hopeful?

Okay, since you asked so nice, it's just I've had a couple of gins, and since the music is good, it's just my favorite cute 20-something bartender is not here tonight, I'll invest a couple minutes and tell you. I was going to put it in the subsequent post anyway, it's just that my previous two were super duper long and I wanted to put them to bed.

In a nutshell, I bugged her bedroom. Well, our bedroom, but I'm not currently sleeping there. Obviously. It's spring break, and the boy was out of the house spending the night at friends, so I put it in there when I was home for lunch thinking I might find out something that would shed some light on all of this. She cried. For 4 hours straight. Punctuated by many wailings of"I am so, so stupid...." "what the hell was I thinking?" "One minute, one stupid minute and I ruined everything" (apparently her actual encounter with OM was a one-minute deal, a pass by, a brief hug which she resisted, a hello and goodbye, and a "will I see you here again" answered by her: "no"-- most of this I am pretty convinced is accurate because she thought I actually saw them together at gym -- I didnt-- aND she referred to it in those terms when she was chasing after me on Saturday, and her nice, Christian friend, who called me today, told me something similar. Note that I did not then, nor do I evendors now, excuse this, nor the calls entertained at work, however uncomfortable she found them. No contact means no contact). ALSO HEARD( over and over): "he's gone, he's really gone and he's not coming back. You really did it this time girl." and "I can't take this" and "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry oh my G**, oh my G**" why why why why" etc. For four hours. (I skipped around but it was nonstop. And keep in mind this is all four days after the fact. I'd have hated to have heard her on night one. It was gut-wrenching. And, I feel pretty safe and saying, that she was not no way in heck faking 4 straight hours of crying. I don't know how she did four straight hours of real crying. That has got to take it out of you.

Later, she got a call from her friend, the nicer, Christian one. The one who had been in the troubled marriage previously but pulled out of it. In a nutshell, that conversation confirmed a lot of what I had heard or been told earlier. And to me it sounded genuine, IDK. All I know is that I trust this other girl. As far as I know there is not a duplicitous bone in her body.

Finally, she got a call from our beloved BFF. Not nearly the Treasure Trove you might think it might have been. This is primarily because BFF is most often about BFF so it was a lot of "me me me me me me, my problems, me me me". However, there were nuggets. BFF did not trash me, not once. Further, BFF is no longer pedaling the " infidelity and divorce and getting together with your Affair partner is all sunshine and roses" narrative. Now that her divorce is final( both she and my friend got their notices in the mail yesterday) she is finding out that it is not always so nice, and in fact had already been finding out that the pain, and family turmoil, particularly with regard to the kids, is not necessarily outweighed by being with your "one true sleazy Affair partner love", especially when you start spending absolutely all of your time with that person and you start realizing what a scumbag they actually are. Finally, while she was not really providing any useful accountability advice, she was receptive to my wife's please that she really wanted to be with me, and advise her that she would need to give me some time, that the wound was still too fresh. Finally, some Intel on the OM. Apparently he is very persistent. In fact a wee bit or even more than a wee bit TOO persistent. He has called Wife's work several times the last two days she has been there and she has not picked up. For what it's worth she also told this to her other friend, the one who works there. Finally, BFF said that the jerk face has called her, BFF, numerous times as well, and that she has stopped answering and is going to put a block on the phone for his number.( recall that at one time they were friends, and hung out together from time to time, but perhaps the bloom is off that Rose now. I do note that OMS circle of friends are no longer included on BFFs Facebook page, which they were for a long time). Wife also noted that she had been worried that om was going to come to confront me, that he has a hot head, and also a concealed carry permit ( which in retrospect, I think I might have known already from our prior Association but had forgotten) and that she was a little worried about what he might do. She was also worried that he was going to come by her office and make trouble, or approach my younger son, which he actually had already done I know because my son told me, and Spill the Beans about their earlier relationship.

So that's it. There's almost no way she would know we're even suspect that I was bugging the bedroom. She doesn't even know that I was by the house. And I believe the conversations I overheard as well as her wailing and gnashing of teeth we're absolutely genuine.

Now, does any of that change the fact that she entertained phone calls from the OM for a still undetermined period Of time, and that she either consented to or arranged, or put herself in a position for that brief meet up at the gym? And that she had previously promised never to do such a thing, and that doing so was both disrespectful, unwise, Unfaithful, and insert just about any number of other unflattering descriptions here that you can think of. And the answer, of course, is that no, it does not. Nor doesn't answer why she would do such a thing. Or whether or not she might do such a thing again. And a host of other related questions. All those are questions that are going to have to be addressed and worked out and overcome in my mind to my satisfaction.

Like I said, I think the marriage counselor has a real real real good handle on this, and is guiding Us in pretty much the exact way we need to be guided. Individual counseling for now. We both, especially my wife, have work to do before we even think about a relationship with each other.