That escalated quickly; WW's A RESUMES(hoosjim#13)

[sandi2]

you get a self preservation burst of activity (as we're seeing with mine.

Let me clarify something. I had no burst of activity! Not at any point! I never pusued my H. When my H told me he knew about OM, the first time, he was his sweet, normal, nice-guy self. I shed some tears, said nothing in response, and he told me to delete everything.......which I did. But the OM, somehow, contacted me....... and I took the A deeper under cover........or so I thought.

The second time my H busted me, I saw a side of him I had never witnessed. I left the house that night with intentions of separating. If I went into self-preservation mode....I suppose it was that time, but I quickly got shot down. I went to my mother's, never dreaming he would call and tell her before I could get there! Anyway, I returned to the house, and things rocked on for........I can't remember how long, but the timing was setting me up for the biggest hit of all. I was preparing to leave my H. I even told one of my adult children that I was considering leaving. He was stunned. Looking back, it's hard to believe how stupid I was thinking. I wanted to pull it off, without anyone knowing I had cheated. He went straight to his sister......and she came to me. She revealed how she knew everything, b/c I had left the computer monitor open that showed my communication with OM......and she walked into the room and saw it. (See how careless waywards can become in their A drugged out state)? She tracked my computer history and saw the truth staring back.

Again, I did not immediately end the A. I made no dramatic scenes that your W is currently displaying. There were no overnight changes, b/c I was still contacting the OM! I had found DB, and at that time, we could privately contact board members, so I had a mentor who was a godsend. I finally decided to do what was right.

I understand what Artista is saying about going into self preservation mode. I believe she is correct about your W. But just for the record, I had no "burst" of activity. God knows I could hardly pull myself out of bed on a good day. This is why I question if my posts are read when a spinning LBH asks me about my experience. Did you hear me say it took nearly six months of going through affair withdrawals? There was no burst of "do-good" activity from me! I was not jumping around saying, "Look at what a good girl I am being for you". Six months of hel!, did not motivate me to pretend squat!

Artista has your W's number! Your W has not ended her A. She is barely seeing a taste of consequences for her behavior. Notice how shocked she was when you mentioned D? She is purely reacting out of her emotional state. BTW, withdrawals will last longer than a couple of weeks......but I think I see what you asking.

I did not end my A and immediately go into showing "good works". The only thing I did productive wise, was getting through nearly six months of withdrawals. It took all I had to just get through the day. During those six months, my H probably thought I was not doing anything productive. It was hard on him, too. You might say production was more of what I stopped doing, that was the most beneficial in the beginning (if that makes sense). I stopped the A, stopped doing any suspicious activity, stopped lashing out at my H disrespectfully, etc. It was not b/c I was trying to mislead him. Inside, I felt like a corpse. So it wasn't so much of me producing good works, as it was in ending the bad behavior......especially in connection to the cheating. Frankly, I was not thrilled about anything, and I wasn't trying to do much more than make it through withdrawals.

Here's what I want you to get. I remember someone on the board asking me (before I ended my A) couldn't I commit to my M. It sounded like a death sentence to my ears. I don't remember, to tell you the truth, if I ever said I would commit. It was more like I was resigned to stay with my H. Maybe that was just me, and not all WW's are the same on that point. However, I could admit I was wrong to have an affair........after a board member pinned me down and asked why didn't I just D my H before getting into an A. So, I did admit my wrong doing. I think every WW has to confess it to herself, at least, and take responsibility for it. Your W has referred to messing up, but she hasn't really taken responsibility yet. She wants to use some philosophical b.s. as a passport to behave inappropriately.

Okay, so what about after that. In a couple of weeks, after the adrenaline and shock have worn off, if the WW is still, at that point, "doing work that would otherwise be productive" and maintaining her more respectful/respectable demeanor... what would distingush that (say, in my w's case bwing the obvious implication) from your phase described above where you are "doing the work because you know you should but your heart is not in it." How do you distinguish the deceptive from the genuine-if-not-heartfelt effort. And it can't be the full humble apology, right, because for you that came much later, yes?

I don't know exactly the minute I wanted to start working on my MR. Those desires returned slowly. I just know it came after I worked on my heart. And, it came once I felt remorse and sincerely apologized to my H. I had a lot of stinking thinking to rid. I think some WW's are good actresses, especially when they are great manipulators. The key in determining if your W is being genuine in "productive" actions, is her willingness. How willing is she to do whatever is necessary to save the M? That means, she doesn't get to lay out her terms. Sure, the couple can talk about what each one needs from the other, but she is in no position to make demands or give stipulations. She is the offender, and if she has a sense of entitlement........I would seriously doubt remorse, and her reasons for remaining in the M. I don't suggest you let down your guard until you are fully convinced she is the real deal. Does her actions, her words, and her attitude consistently match? Do they tell you this is a woman who is serious about having a great MR........or does she have "relapses" and flirts with old familiar behaviors from time to time? Another key factor is observing her level of selfishness. As Arista pointed out, it is still all about her. All the dramatic display of emotions has been all about her. As long as her talk and her walk is about her feelings........then i would have trouble believing anything is authentic. Slower, consistent, changes that show her selfishness has been removed, gives more evidence that it is coming from a changed heart........rather than for some manipulative purpose.

I was not putting on an act. I stopped doing hurtful actions. I became transparent. I showed respect. People can treat others respectfully, without feeling in love. After the remorse and I humbly apologized, I was able to move forward more rapidly.......b/c I wanted more than to just exsit in a dead MR. I had read how feelings will follow actions, and it worked for me. I think you have to have the right attitude before it works. I just had to get my mindset healthy, first.

I've actually witnessed people pretending to be humble, and they would do things to score brownie points. However, when it is not the real deal.......it doesn't stick. I'm not saying she'll never have moments she feels tempted to backslide, but staying determined to be faithful and true is an absolute must. Expecting you to accept her as she is.....with her unwillingness to commit to you and behave like a M woman.......is a woman who has a sense of entitlement. It's a woman who expects you to do the changing, instead of herself.