That escalated quickly; WW's A RESUMES(hoosjim#13)

[sandi2]

Well, my IPad froze and I lost the post I was working on, and I'm afraid your thread will lock before I get this one sent.....but here's trying.

I hope you realize everything you currently see her doing, is meant to impress you. Going to the IC and reporting back to you, wearing her rings, etc., etc. This is what she does whenever she knows you are upset at her. She tries to score brownie points. If she can get you to compromise, she'll continue playing the same game.

So, Sandi, how did it feel to you? And how did you respond? Were you morose? Depressed? Energized? Defeated? I seem to recall you didn't start "working on" the MR right away? Or did you, after a fashion. I remember you saying it was like two years before OM was completely out of your head, but that NOT going to counseling in your case probably prolonged that. Were you nonetheless "doing work" during that time and, if so, what? And how did that "look" to your H?

How did what feel? The reality that was hitting me? It was horrible! It woke me, so to speak. My daughter had found my messages to OM, and knew everything. I knew my plans to demonize my H to my family and introduce the OM after I separated......was shot down. This was the beginning of my fantasy crumbling. I did not "feel" like reconciling. I had no desire for my H. I could barely stay in the same room with him.

I made the decision to do the right thing, in spite of my feelings. (I had hoped your W had made the same decision, but obviously, I was wrong). The right thing was ending my affair and staying with my H. So, I ended the A. No, it did not take two years to get OM out of my head, but quite a while. It took around two years before I felt that I was emotionally ready to put forth the effort/action toward working on the MR.......in the sense most LBS's think of the WS as "working".

After ending the A, I asked my H if he would attend MC with me. He refused. So, the board served as my MC. No, I had absolutely no energy, no desire, no positive feelings. It took almost six months to finally get through withdrawals. One reason, I finally realized, I was keeping the A alive by fantazing about the OM and all the what-ifs. I was very depressed. Suffered from health problems. Had no motivation or interest in anything.

LBS's must think the WS returns to normal the minute they end their A. They must think all the "normal" feelings are restored immediately. It just isn't the case. It's a process, and it takes time for her to get through it.

I had to deal with all the resentment and disrespectful feelings I held against my H. I prayed a lot, b/c I needed God's help. I even prayed that God would help me feel remorse, b/c I had not felt much guilt or any remorse for the A. I knew I should, but I didn't. I regretted getting caught, very much. I had lost my family's respect. I was having panic attacks and not sleeping. Finally, I was able to let go of the past and forgive my H for everything I had held against him. It wasn't easy. When I did let it go.......then, the remorse hit me. I approached my H and humbly apologized for everything. Went to bed and slept like a baby, and had no more panic attacks.

Most of the work the WW has to do is on her heart. When she truly has fixed her heart, then I believe her actions, attitude and words will match. I will say this.......that before I actually felt respect for my H, I purposely started showing respect toward him. B/c it was the right thing to do. I purposely did appropriate actions instead of inappropriate behavior. I knew what was right. How I felt.....was neither here nor there.......it was about doing what was right. The WW thrives on emotions and selfishness, so she can't allow those to dictate her actions anymore.

I was transparent (although he never asked me to be), b/c I had learned of its importance from the LBS's on the board. I think it helped my H, and I know it helped me. I needed to give an account.......to show I was being honest and doing the right thing, and this was the vehicle that helped keep me stay on track. What drives out the darkness better than light? What exposes and keeps away secrets? If she wants atonement.......what better way than welcome her H to look at her activity.

I made sure I did not act in a secretive fashion.......isolate myself from my H and family, shut the door when I was on the computer or phone, make up excuses to be gone from the house for any long periods of time, take private calls, keep the phone glued to my side, etc. I certainly had no overnight trips or girls night/weekends. I didn't stay late at work or go hang out at a bar after work. Most of the behavior that waves a suspicious flag, just has to abruptly stop. I guess I find it odd that LBS's have to ask what it looks like when a WW starts behaving right. And, many have asked! I would think the wayward knows what appropriate behavior looks like, unless they were raised by degenerates. Not knowing right from wrong, was never the problem.......regardless of the b.s. she might try to sell you. Poor boundaries? Okay, but once the betrayed and concerned spouse expresses how it makes them feel when the W/H act in such a manner.......should not the offending spouse get the idea and stop repeating the same stuff? That's what I mean about the selfishness. She has to kill it. As long as she's talking about her issues of wanting to act like a bad girl, never wanted to commit, etc, she's making excuses for her selfishness, IMHO. It doesn't excuse inappropriate behavior.

Anyway, when my heart changed, it showed on the outside. I realized, too, that I could not depend on emotions. Although I let go of the resentment, etc., my desire and energy did not replace the bad stuff right away. I had to do the right actions on purpose. It's easier when you have all the wonderful feelings. But when you don't have those good emotions, and you are purposely doing what you know to be right.......it is not always so easy. At times, it can be draining. But here's the thing.......the wayward has to kill her selfishness. She can't allow everything to be about her any longer. If I had had IC, maybe it would not have taken as long, IDK. I actually went to an IC.....who was highly recommended in my area. Right off the bat, she told me I had done nothing wrong. What! I had enough sense to know I had done plenty wrong, and this IC was not the right one for me. I went to another one, who sent me to an intern.......who had no clue about the mindset of a wayward spouse. So, I decided to read everything I could find associated with a wayward wife.

I purposely made sure I spent time with my H every evening, showed interest in him and what he was doing/saying, and tried to treat him the way I did when we first met. In other words, I put my best foot forward.......and, I put him first. It was hard, I won't lie. However, good feelings caught up with the good behavior/actions.

That is very rough highlights of those two years. I probably left something important out, but it's already long enough.