you are right, you cannot take her word for it... remember: believe nothing they say, "i'm dying inside... i never meant to hurt you... " and only half of what they do: "snuggling," "finally wearing wedding rings," "finally setting up IC sessions."
it's harder for you because your wife was not GGW, and neither was i... remember i said what she has done and what i did was more cruel than what spouses who are blatant in their cheating do?
as with most things, these things go about in stages... she will finally stop trying to win you over with words... she will be respectful of you...
you say she wasn't ggw or disrespectful... i beg to differ... she was very disrespectful to you... i saw it... telling you she would "probably be home by 5:30" on her wine night, but then little by little letting you know that she was actually going to stay later... that hurt you... you and she still saw her as "behaving,"... i didn't... that was misbehaving... thinking it would be okay to meet Doc at the wrestling match is disrespectful to you... not wearing her wedding rings was disrespectful... weekend away with her BFF and other GF on her birthday, without discussing it with you (especially during the time of what you hoped was piecing)--she told you about it but didn't ask what you thought... that was disrespectful...
hoosjim--she was living her life with the attitude of an unmarried woman... that is disrespectful... there are many other incidents that stood out to me as they were happening...
so you will begin to see her respecting you... owning her $h1t... she will do things because it is the right thing to do, not pretend to do things because it's the right thing to do... that time when you walked in on her reading one of your workbooks in bed... that was her "pretending to do the right thing." there should come a time when she will REALLY do the work because that is what is required... she will be humble... she won't be coy, she won't be flippant... you have to be able to step back and see the difference... you need perspective... because you were in it, and because you were hopeful that she wanted to save your marriage, your perspective was skewed... your vision needs to be recalibrated...
remember DB 101: believe none of what they say and half of what they do...
