Her: "Im sorry. i hate that that there is all of this pain because of me. I never wanted anyone to get hurt. I know i screwed up so, so bad and i am so, so sorry."
this here shows that she is still in self-preservation mode... hopefully, she will get to the place where she just shuts down... and what i mean by that is she will stop trying to fix things with words...
i remember finally "giving in" and telling H in an email, "i can't do this anymore (meaning, i can't keep trying to keep things going... keep the marriage alive... really--keep the image of the marriage alive)... i don't want anything... i don't want anybody... you can have everything the way you want it..."
this happened during my fifth day in North Carolina... what triggered this was people were starting to ask questions--(family... i come from a large, close-knit family)... "what is going on with artista? what is going on with H?" another niece of mine--who is also my age, all the way from Oregon, called my NC niece and started asking questions... this freaked me out... i had a meltdown... then i sent the email... that is when i finally let go... and it was a necessary step in my healing... i had to be authentic to get the help i really needed... and that's when i began the first steps to allowing myself to be vulnerable... to drop the image of having it all together... this is when i changed the most, and the changes have been dramatic... i can share more about that later... but what immediately followed the email was depression... some anxiety, but mainly deep melancholoy...
