Just journaling... Well it’s been another couple of months since was last here as there hasn’t been much to say...
I had filed for divorce in November, court needed copies of our birth certificates in December so passed the message on to W and got no response. Lawyer said it didn’t really matter as the court can ask her directly for it. Also said in December in mediation that W wanted to much money to buy her out of the house so we should put it up for sale. I tried to arrange a meeting with W a month ago to decide the way forward to which she replied she wanted her lawyer involved in deciding how to sell the house. I said that if she wants to do it that way, no problem, just make an appointment with my lawyer and we can sit across the table tha way. I don’t really understand this direction other than stalling (I haven’t heard anything from my lawyer regarding her requesting an appointment so am pretty sure she hasn’t done it). At the moment, I have looked for some other places but until I get the house on the market, can’t sign anything even if I see something...
I figured this would be simple as we would both be wanting the best deal possible and therefore working towards the same goal, apparently not
I haven’t had any response from W in the last month regarding the divorce or the house. There was 1 mediation session were she said that she guesses this marriage is really over.. found it weird as she has done nothing in the last 2 years to even suggest that she was trying to make it work...
Potential OM seems to be all talk, kids hardly see him, W apparently said to them that they may get together in 13 years time when youngest is 18. Even when the kids have seen him, he shows no interest in them at all (although that could also be said about W).
Boundaries seem to be a big issue with W, not being able to contact me at any time of day or night (especially during the night) is a major problem for her. Has tried most mediation sessions trying to get that changed because she doesn’t agree with it..
Other things to come out in mediation is that W wants me to give her information regularly about the kids by text or email even though, as I explained to her, she doesn’t do anything with it, she doesn’t offer to help out if he kids are sick so I explained that if she isn’t interested in helping the team (as she likes to say we should be) then why would I. I tried explaining that I have asked for her help in the past and been let down each and every time so I don’t bother contacting someone I can’t rely on... Her response to this is to say I’m negative and don’t understand her...
Some days I feel at a loss of what to do, I feel like I tried (in the past) to do things to include her and she was either never there or said since we are not together anymore, she doesn’t feel the need to get to know me or give hope to the kids.
In the past year I have just looked after myself and the kids, cut as much contact as possible, filed the divorce paperwork and will sell the house and I get accused of not being a team player etc etc...
I’ve told her to go be free but at the same time let me go free... this seems to be a problem... I have met several women over the past year, a common theme though is that because my divorce is not final and the house is not sorted, it’s a little bit of a sticking point. Yet no one seems to understand what W wants and why she seems to be slowing everything down, most of our mutual friends are starting to turn away from W now due to how W speaks to them and how much she talks about herself. W rarely asks how they are doing. W has also been told to ‘grow up’ by some of them which I know will not have gone down well with W...
Sometimes reading here, I actually envy the ones that get this cut quickly. Not that it hurts less or anything, just have the impression the real healing can get done..
Personally, I do feel good, had a relapse with my health in the fall after the court case when she tried to reduce my custody of the kids but getting back. Have met more people who have had stress breakdowns and continue to learn better coping mechanisms, have a meeting with a friend who teaches yoga to learn about breathing as it is my biggest struggle when stressed. My breathing goes very shallow and heart starts racing. Her boyfriend went through something similar she it’s great that she understands and knows how exactly she can help me.
Also continue to join new groups, meeting new people from different walks of life. Need to create some goals for this year, has been something I have got away from and understand how it sets me back.
Had a wonderful interaction with dear wife this past weekend... not.
D5 had a soccer tournament past Sunday and even though it’s not my weekend, I go and support the kids when I can.
I get a phone call from S9 saying he is not feeling well and wants to come be with me. I told him that I would meet at the soccer and see how he is. That was fine. 2 mins later W calls and tells me to pick up S9. I told her that I will meet at the soccer and see how he is as I will be there to support D5. W gets in a strop and tells me that son is sick and wants to come be with me. I replied with, if he is sick then maybe he should stay in bed and I can pick daughter up and take her to her soccer. Nope not good enough for W. I then get told
“Take son home with you or I will cancel daughter going to soccer”.
I replied that I will meet at soccer and see how son is.
We met at soccer, son was under the weather so I said he could come with me and sit quietly while we supported D5. Nope not good enough for W, got the same sentence as above with this time adding:
“Do the right thing”
I took son home so daughter could go to soccer, checked him out and when he was doing ok, went to the soccer and supported son.
In mediation the next morning W complained that I don’t listen to her and that I do whatever I want.. I said, yep, we are not together so yep, I make my own decisions on the kids and life etc.. This didn’t go down well...
I also wrote her sentence on the board and broke it down as the demand, threat and ultimatum and that when she is prepared to take and discuss things as an adult, not a bully, then I will be ready to listen.
W also brought up in mediation about Valentines Day...
I had taken the kids out for supper (is was a normal scheduled day of mine) and they went and watched the food being made rather than sit at the table with me..
I took a picture and posted on FB with the sentence “Should I take offence that my Valentine’s dates would rather watch the food being made rather than sit at the table with me”
W brought this up as unacceptable as son was supposed to be ill, it was half term and he stayed at home rather than go to the daycare program... he would have been at school if it was a school day...
W just can across as bitter and certainly gave me the impression that OM is not what she tries to make out occasionally... I figure if she was with someone else it wouldn’t matter what I did on Valentine’s Day. Also, W blocked me on FB so clearly someone is keeping tabs on me and passing the info on...
W also is struggling to look after the kids and work her job. Especially lately when there has been many kids having the flu and our kids being sick. She is having to take days off and said in mediation how it would have been nice to have a grandma around... I agreed that, yep it would be nice but unfortunately we don’t. (We don’t have any family here in this country.)
I explained to the mediators that I can do homeoffice when emergencies require to which W replied that she cannot.. I agreed with her that, yep she does not have that possibility and can make it challenging...
I do get the sense that reality is really starting to bite, OM was not all she thought or even in it to be an OM but I also believe that W will never admit she screwed up..
Like is said at the beginning of many situations, when you have space and time to heal and really see things from an outside perspective it can really change how you see someone...
Statements like she made this weekend, I have seen so many that I mishandled through the years just like it and although I wasn’t planning to walk out, it wasn’t a life that was making me happy. It always will be and always has been about her..
I think the only thing I would still beat myself up about is that I helped breed what I’m having to deal with now. I fed the personality with not sticking to my principles, my boundaries if you will, and allowed this to grow and fester...
That our kids are used as pawns in her attempts to control and she has no problem using them in that way. It’s sad that even through mediation, I’m not sure she will ever really see it. She said this week that she is self aware that she got angry with me and that the health and schooling are important to her.. I’ve tried to explain to her before that she has anger issues because she gets angry she will ‘punish’ someone she says she cares about. That her anger is directed at someone.. The latest example being that she was angry with me and is willing to punish daughter during the process. I said that this is not communication and it is not how she will improve things with me.
Si, very sorry you're not having a smooth go of it with your W. I agree with Vanilla that it sounds like your W is trying desperately to control and manipulate you. It's not going her way so she's getting increasingly frustrated. All you can do is keep being a great you and leave her to her mess. It sounds like you are handling things quite well so kudos to you for that!
Regarding dating, most women who are interested in a serious R will not mess with someone that is separated. And they are right not to, there's a lot of baggage that goes with that as well as the very real possibility that the man is still carring a torch for his W and will run back to her if given a chance. So don't expect a lot of successful dating while you are still married.
Cheers AS, I totally agree with your point on dating. I’m not actively looking for someone else but through all the various groups I have joined, I have met some along the way.
The bit I don’t get, even though I see some many similar stories, is why when we let them go to the OP they say they want, why we still get given such a hard time....
It’s been 2 years and W is still in contact with OM, yet complained in mediation that I took our children out for Valentine’s Day...
I do question what OM really is in my situation, there are little patches where the kids are around him but he doesn’t ask anything about them. Talks to them about plants and stuff he is interested in but never asks about the kids themselves. About there interests but unfortunately they say the same thing about their mother... Part of me wants to confront him and warn him never to touch my kids but doubt it will make much difference although maybe I will hear a different story. Other part of me can’t be bothered wasting my time on a waste of space like him..
Even if W is with him, it’s hard to tell because when I do see her, she mostly looks worse than anytime we were together... W told me 2 yrs ago that he was bisexual, I have wondered if he is the gay friend and she got attracted to a gay man. The bisexual comment never made sense to me.. Sometimes I wonder has W found someone she can dominate...
Something I believe I have realised about my W is that it is not who someone is but what they are prepared to do for her and never confronting her on anything she does, basically, is she actually attracted to a doormat? She said in mediation that she was angry at me because I was doing whatever I wanted to and not listening to her.... “You just do what you want” My answer was “Yep, I’m a single Dad and I do what I want and decide what I think is best for me and our kids”
In other news, house is going up for sale as W kept upping the amount she wanted from me over the past 2 yrs so just finally had enough and will sell it. Divorce proceedings are progressing, just waiting for a court date.
Personally, I keep joining more groups, getting out meeting more new people. Even when I travel for work, I look for Meetup groups etc in the area to get out and meet people. It has really helped my confidence, helps with getting away from the negativity that only comes from W. Do need to get back into the gym though, health is getting back on track so it’s the next step again.
Also looking forward to the spring finally being here so can get hiking again, bit longer for the Alps but plenty of other places to go. Vacation in a couple of weeks too, heading to Bahrain for the Grand Prix, really looking forward to that.
I do question what OM really is in my situation, there are little patches where the kids are around him but he doesn’t ask anything about them. Talks to them about plants and stuff he is interested in but never asks about the kids themselves. About there interests but unfortunately they say the same thing about their mother... Part of me wants to confront him and warn him never to touch my kids but doubt it will make much difference although maybe I will hear a different story. Other part of me can’t be bothered wasting my time on a waste of space like him..
God only knows why WAS's pick these ridiculous losers to have affairs with!! My brother's ex had an affair with this grade A butthole who flat out told her he hates kids and wanted nothing to do with hers (she and my brother have two, and they were less than 10 at the time). She left my brother and moved in with him anyway, and he was true to his word, has always treated the kids with contempt.
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Personally, I keep joining more groups, getting out meeting more new people. Even when I travel for work, I look for Meetup groups etc in the area to get out and meet people. It has really helped my confidence, helps with getting away from the negativity that only comes from W. Do need to get back into the gym though, health is getting back on track so it’s the next step again.
Also looking forward to the spring finally being here so can get hiking again, bit longer for the Alps but plenty of other places to go. Vacation in a couple of weeks too, heading to Bahrain for the Grand Prix, really looking forward to that.
Have been reading Hoosjim’s post, but thought I’d add this here rather than his thread. Especially reading the advice from Artista and her experience, it reminds me of the story “The boy who cried wolf”.
Reading these, I have seen so much during my marriage where my W has used these “tactics” to get what she wants and not deal with her issues. I have even had the suicide threat in the past after I was ready to leave, when I had finally had enough and felt so done. W was in the kitchen and told me she would slit her wrist...
I caved, yet again, to that cry of wolf just as I have so many times before. I still see it now manifesting in different forms. I have given up running to help now though. As much I as I want to believe her, it’s a pattern that has been there too often that would need to change.
Going back to OM, (and others in her community) I believe they don’t see that pattern yet and are the villagers running to help while I’m the bad villager not responding to the cries anymore. Or maybe I’m just the wolf....
