Jim, you've gotten some great advice, and I KNOW how hard it is to follow the advice sometimes when your heart is telling you something else. But our hearts are often at odds with good DB'ing.
When we tell you that you need to separate, it's not because we don't believe in saving marriages, it's because most of us see that as the only chance you have at recon. You argued that there is a lot of data supporting in-house S working, but if there is I haven't seen it. The only story on these forums I can think of where a truly wayward wife reconned while under the same roof was TXHubby, but if you've read his sitch he let her control and manipulate him for months just like your W is doing and all it got him was stressed to the point where he couldn't function and thought he might die of a heart attack. It wasn't until he woke up and said "screw this, I am not letting her make me miserable for one more minute" and truly detached and moved on that she woke up to what she was losing. For all intents and purposes they might as well have not been under the same roof, because he had NOTHING to do with her after his awakening.
When I read that stuff your W is writing, I can't help but think "wow I wish my ex had written me stuff like that!" Because we all want our spouses to own what they've done and beg for forgiveness, so on the face of it it sounds like the right thing is happening. The problem is your W is oh-so-quick to do it... only after getting caught. It's pretty clear she's just strictly in damage control mode. She's like "oh crap I got caught, I need to do a little old-fashioned hoosjim controlling and manipulating to get him back in line and then I can pick up where I left off." So I think what most of us are telling you is that you have to break out of that pattern and quit playing into her hands. And not just for a couple of days. You've got to completely separate and detach and leave her to the disaster she's made, and do it for months or even a year or more before you can expect her to come to you with a truly humble spirit.
