If God told you from the sky that your marriage was over forever, that WW would never change or come back, that you would have to find purpose and meaning in your life without her or the marriage- what would you do?
There are two types of answers. The first are things that burn bridges. Telling off your WW and posting nasty stuff about her on social media for everyone to see. Getting into a fight with OM and getting arrested. Dating another woman on the rebound. I wouldn't do any of those things.
The second list is more wholesome. Getting your own place. Securing your financial and legal rights. Making a parenting schedule and taking care of your kids. Taking care of yourself. Getting support. Etc. This is the path you I would recommend.
I think the reason Coconut is saying to move on is because this road I just described is this path is the first steps towards creating an environment in which healing could be possible...and it is also the first few steps towards recovery should it never be possible. It's a no lose situation.
What's FAR FAR FAR more common are people that set out on that path but are desperately hoping to avoid it, people that are so hopeful that their WW comes around that they enable the poor behavior of the WW.
It's easy to say "I won't do that, I couldn't accept her like this", but that's the analytical part of you. We're all human, we're all emotional, and NO ONE wants to have to accept this type of loss. I don't care how analytical you are, there is denial of the reality that your M is over, there is bargaining that comes from not believing it can't be worked out. Those emotions make you extremely vulnerable to her manipulation. She holds the keys to your deepest desires (her/marriage) and your deepest fears (experiencing this loss) and she knows it at some level. As long as she can manipulate you she will refuse to change. And she will manipulate you until she feels you no longer desire her or fear this loss. The only way out of the trap is to accept that loss, and that is a process that only starts when you start living like it has occurred.
The reasons we are against in-house separation are because 1) you are very unlikely to be able to consistently withstand her attempts at manipulation (this might be technically impossible), and 2) because if you were truly fed up you wouldn't agree to co-habit, you'd find a way to split things up so you could live your life without her. Not doing this just tells me that you are hoping you'll never have to.
Am I saying you should slap her and tell her to leave tonight? That you have to give up your home? Nope. Not saying that. What I AM saying is you shouldn't get any closer or agree to anything right now.
I agree with taking a week or two at a friends house and deliberately reflecting on each step. I would live and think as if the divorce were inevitable. I'd start thinking about what had to happen. Financial separation, living arrangements. I'D CONSULT A LAWYER. And so on.
Because that's what you'd do, right? If the D was inevitable? Wouldn't you? You wouldn't be rehearsing speeches to her about what you'd need to see from her to work things out, because it would be over. It's past that. Now, if the day comes she does that stuff on her own accord and backs it up with consistent behavior over a course of time, you can always change your mind. But adapting this mindset and maintaining your distance is your only shot, D or no D.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
