That escalated quickly; WW's A RESUMES(hoosjim#13)

[hoosjim]

Hey, DonH... Thanks for chiming in. Now ima jump on you for being slanted by your own perspective, lol... j/k.

No seriously, I do think people's individual perspectives DO affect their insights/advice... and I think that that is valuable. It used to irritate me a bit, but, then again, my emotional state then was not as good as it is now. I still think I come off a little prickly when "respectfully disagreeing" and that is undoubtedly my writing style which tends towards the remnants of the litigator in me... but I do appreciate all views on here and I absolutely do see the utility and benefit in hearing differing, even directly contradictory views. It's challenging, and everyone should challenge their thinking regularly, imo.

Anyhoo:

Perhaps could you stay with a friend for a week or two? I really wonder if that's not the best move here. You are not ready to talk or deal with W yet and giving you two weeks away might really help the sitch. Even in two weeks I think you'll get an indicator of which direction W is headed. You'll see a lot in a couple weeks - either way. By that I mean you'll see a lot if she's reverting to her old ways and see just as much if she's really finally trying. I think you'll be in a much better place two weeks from now than you will tomorrow.

Maybe this is the right paradigm, separating without calling or necessarily designating it as a permanent and official-under-the-law separation. Even so, not sure I would want to frame it that way to my W... and, right now, I don't see any way forward as a "couple". My stance is simply "I want you to leave" and I intend to push that within the next 48 hours but that, obviously, will necessitate contact and a "discussion" of sorts. AAR, She has places she can go. Under the circumstances, I shouldn't have to be the one living out of a hotel room or friend's place. Nonetheless, that may be what happens if she refuses to budge. I would count it a victory, as well as a check mark in her favor and a sign of respect if she agreed to leave. Either way, on here, lets call the split "indefinite", as opposed to "permanent." I am open to the miraculous happening (say, her tumbling down a flight of stairs, forgetting the last 15 years and being madly in love and devoted to me again) even as I am proceeding on what appears to be my path in a different direction.

And perhaps that answers your next question:

Now, I also am seeing two sides from you Jim, making me wonder what you are really thinking. In one breath you are saying things like you are done, you don't want to pay for W's C, you don't want to waste more time, you can't see her turning around. But then I see you being very hopeful like you really don't believe those things and are thinking this is her bottom and this M will be saved. Perhaps those wide swings are normal. I just can't tell where you are REALLY at here.

TBTH, I am not at all "hopeful", let alone "very hopeful". In fact, there are so many things stacked against the prospect of a happy marital resolution here (longstanding, likely physical affair, strong connection to OM, unbelievably Toxic and wayward bff who is WW's closest confidant, W's inherent commitment issues, my own fatigue/exhaustion at this process and lack of patience for months/years more of this) that I have a hard time believing that that is what the Good Lord intends... but only He knows what that is so pointless to speculate without some clearer sign. I do, however, acknowledge the possibility. All signs are not completely and irretrievably hopeless-- pretty close, yes, but not all the way there. And I still do have feelings for her that I cannot deny or change. I can't see the path that would get us back together from where I am currently sitting, but my analytical brain, as well as my faith of all things being possible through God which will never leave me, tells me that such a path exists.

So, am I "hopeful"? I think that would be a stretch. This deceptive, selfish, wayward woman who currently lives in my house and looks like my W is someone I currently want nothing to do with but... I am kind of like Luke Skywalker, here: "I see there is good still in her". Though, admittedly, she may ultimately recover her goodness and achieve spiritual redemption only to have her life choices prove the undoing of her previous (here marital) life.

I acknowledge the possibility of reconciliation, faint though it may be, and can imagine a woman who is my W who I would want to be with... but she is not currently that woman and I am not counting on her being that woman. I am moving on... perhaps even without any further attempts at reconciliation. That latter, I think, is what the next couple of weeks is all about figuring out. FWIW I think the strong likelihood is that we end up separating into something more permanent-looking. She does just not sound close to a place that would enable her to have the kind of relationship that I want with a woman.