hoosjim—you were so quick to disregard Coconut right here: If you take the next 6 months truly living for you, you will be that much closer to moving forward if your MR doesn’t reconcile, but if you spend the next 6 months thinking about reconciliation, you will be no closer to moving forward. I feel like you are still thinking you will get back with your W as soon as she breaks down and repents, and I get the feeling you think that will be even before your son goes away to college.. Change your mindset Jim, or you will be stuck in an endless loop.
you asked me how long… here is my story: i believe my H knew he had to separate from me for his own sake... he finally did, the day after a horrible episode at his class reunion, tell me that we need to separate... this was 9 months after the suicide threat... i packed my bags and went to my parents... it was difficult for me... as i was driving from Santa Cruz to San Jose (40-minute drive) it hit me that my family was really broken... i could not believe it... my parents are elderly, and i had stayed with them many times throughout our marriage, but i knew this drive was very different...
even at that, being physically separated, we were still enmeshed in each other's lives because of our sons: 12 and 16 at the time... we talked extensively about my needing a change of scenery... i had been a stay-home, homeschooling mom from 2000-2012... we decided i would go visit my niece (who is my age and much like a sister or close cousin) and her husband for 4-6 weeks... while i was there, H became very cold and mean... all the anger he had been holding aside finally came out when i was far away from him... he took me to the airport and we parted friendly... when i landed in NC, he did a complete 180 and nothing but venom came from him... i was devastated and fell into a depression...
while in NC, my niece and her husband really took me in... i saw a psychiatrist, started taking Zoloft (which helped me to function... my anxiety was super high)... while there, i went to work with my niece, volunteering at her place of employment... her friends kind of took me in too... for about 3 hours a day, i continued to homeschool my sons via Skype... during the end of my six weeks in NC, i landed a part-time job... i accepted it... i went back to San Jose/Santa Cruz for 2-3 weeks, then went back to NC to start my new job as a administrative assistant at a law firm... it was the best place i could have hoped for considering my circumstances...
during this time, my husband and i legally separated... he felt i was reckless, making stupid decisions, and he didn't trust me in any way shape or form... the legal separation would protect him financially... on the other hand, he was still supporting me financially... however, with my new job, i was able to support myself somewhat--being that i was living with my niece and she refused to take a cent from me... she would even let me pay for my meals when we went out to eat... i remember once i went shopping with her and her friends and she slipped a $100 bill into my pocket... it brings tears to my eyes when i recall her and her husband's generosity...
anyway--i was there in NC for 16 months before i finally came back to California for good... during that time, life went on in both of our lives... my father-in-law passed away... my father had a major surgery... H and i were in touch, but it was mainly business-like... i moved back in with my parents... and it was another 7 months before I approached my husband regarding reconciliation… and he needed time to think on it… about a month… during that month we both saw a counselor separately and together… and to show him I was serious, I schedule individual sessions with a psychiatrist… I continued to live with my parents for another month… so there you have it… it took about three years before we reconciled for good—as far as we are both concerned… and we are still piecing in some respects… three years piecing…
I just want to note here that I think you two living under the same roof at this time is a mistake… I do think you will be back in limbo in no time… I believe her chance for change is diminished if you live together so soon… any changes will not be long lasting if they should happen at all—I know I say this in vain… you so eagerly jumped on that part of your counselor’s advice…
know this: I do hope I am wrong… You and your W remind me so much of me and my husband… we are close in age and we even have two sons… you hold the cards, hoosjim—she does not, and she should never act as though she does… there are no excuses for her behavior… no explanations… but I am getting ahead of myself… so much has to happen before you two can really consider reconciling… she is still in self-preservation mode…
please hoosjim—keep us posted as you navigate these treacherous waters… they may seem calm at times, but they are not… your wife has a long way to go before she is emotionally healthy—and that will absolutely not happen while she is connected to her BFF… remember: RESPECT YOURSELF MORE THAN YOU LOVE HER… or she won’t be faithful to you… please do not hesitate to ask for the perspective of this former WW… I want your marriage to succeed…
