Divorce and Acceptance- Part 2

[Pax_luv]

Hey there,
Having a weird day and just checking in-
Lack of sleep+too much work+ burnout+ Financial worry+ divorce stress+calorie deficit+ PMS= Destructive combination!

I was really struck by cil's post about having the courage and opportunity to apologize to her ex. Thank you for sharing, Ciluzen. You had a conversation I could only dream of having. I think it takes a lot of courage to do what you did by apologizing to your xh.

As you may have read in my posts above, I contemplated (albeit briefly), to reach out to ex to try and clear the air. This divorce is just so out of hand and I want it over with. I'm really not in it to fight. I just don't think he'll ever hear me or see me. I've reiterated enough times that I only want what's fair but that's not enough for him. He thinks he gets to decide what's fair in our divorce and also decide what he gets to disclose and not disclose and that's not ok with me.

With this contemplation of perhaps reaching out to him, I also deal with the fact that I would like the opportunity to own up to what I did that may have contributed to the downfall of the marriage. I think this is a vital part of the healing stage. However, that true healing stage might not be for years down the line and I currently can't seem to separate what I did and what he did and what he continues to do. You know?

So... I wish I could go back and apologize for things that I could see could create heartache and damage for him, but I can't separate it from the current behavior. It's really tough. I want to say, I'm sorry for x,y,z and that I didn't support you when x,y,z happened..... And please explain to me how you've been defrauding me during our entire relationship. And why you lied to the court about x,y,z. And why you completely made up a false "testimony". And why you lied to me about x,y,z.


And then I cycle back and ask myself, why would I apologize for a relationship that wasn't real? In all my inward searching, I don't think there was ever a recipe that I could have concocted that would allow my ex to be satisfied with me. I just don't. Being in a relationship with him came at the expense of losing myself and pretzeling myself every darn day to make him happy. It was futile.

I think so much of this journey is about owning our "stuff" and I feel like I've been doing that and continue to seek opportunity to own my stuff in every day life. It's proven beneficial thus far and I know I am living at a different "vibration" as a result.... But now I'm in this terrible legal stalemate with ex and I want to do something to move it along, breakdown walls, and maybe even disarm him to the point that he remembers this is a divorce and this is what happens in a divorce.

I just don't know. I'm confused. I'm rambling. I spent the morning going through our wedding pictures..... Why? Who the heck knows? I'm just in a weird place of processing this and I'm tired. So tired, and wish there was something I could do to fix this. Not go back... But fix this current state so we can get divorced and I can move on with my life.

Hmmm now where's that emergency chocolate?