That escalated quickly; WW's A RESUMES(hoosjim#13)

[Coconut]

Although it would certainly involve complete accountability for everything in the A from the past, complete transparency going forward, and obviously complete disassociation from both OM and bff AND, most importantly, complete commitment from W to the MR... Which is the biggest, perhaps insurmountable hurdle because I do not know how I would ever be able to trust her commitment.
Agreed that it was troubling that, although W had shown SOME remorse for and acknowledgment of my pain, that there had been no "I'm sorry" or other explicit apology. (Though, again, noting my W's own peculiar hangups on that point.) Also, troubled, though not surprised given what just happened, that the "justification" and rebellion narratives had returned in small doses last couple of weeks.

Are you maybe trying to communicate to your W through the counselor? I’m kind of surprised that it isn’t a conflict of interest for a counselor to see you both individually, but I think that there is way to much cross information going on.

Interesting question she raised which I had not considered: Would I continue to pay for W's counseling sessions? On the one hand, I would be inclined to say "yes"...

Being that your still M, I don’t really think there is “your” money vs. “her” money… while precautions should be taken to make sure all the money doesn’t disappear, I don’t think a few hundred dollars of counseling is a big deal.

In sum, in general, urged contemplative thought before making any big decisions. Said I was justified in not wanting to leave marital bedroom and home and said it was obviously up to me whether or not to split completely, but that she would advise against it if I harbored any thoughts of potential reconciliation in the future.
She did advise against physical separation, which I expected, saying that that adds an additional layer of separation which is hard for many couples to overcome. That is the biggest, and really only, difference I can see between the counselor's advice and what I am reading here.

I’m on the need to physically separate mind set, I don’t see a way that you can continue to live in the same household and move forward on you, more to come on that.

Yet here we are and once again appear to be at ground zero. I am going to be 52 next month. I love my W, but I don't know if I am willing to invest another year or even year plus in a potentially failing effort to save the marriage... EVEN IF I COULD BE CONVINCED OF HER COMMITMENT TO SUCH.

This statement is what concerns me the most. You absolutely should not be investing time into your W or your M right now, not for the next few months, or year, or couple of years… You need to recognize that your M is over, you need to find the mindset of living your life, separate/away from your W. When you are working on you, you are not investing time into saving your M. Saving your M may be a by-product of working on you, but it should not be the reason for doing it, it CANNOT be the reason for doing it or you will be wasting that time. I did not understand this until I moved to another state and started living for myself, which is why I don’t believe you can do it without at least physically separating.

If you take the next 6 months truly living for you, you will be that much closer to moving forward if your MR doesn’t reconcile, but if you spend the next 6 months thinking about reconciliation, you will be no closer to moving forward. I feel like you are still thinking you will get back with your W as soon as she breaks down and repents, and I get the feeling you think that will be even before your son goes away to college.. Change your mindset Jim, or you will be stuck in an endless loop.