That escalated quickly; WW's A RESUMES(hoosjim#13)

[hoosjim]

Had my session. Was as much of a "let's get re-set and see how you are doing and establish a baseline" session as anything. And, yes, it was solo. I told W yesterday I had no intention of doing any joint sessions-- if she wanted to make individual appointments for IC for herself, then that was her affair... no pun intended.

Okay, I kinda intended the pun.

At any rate, W did in fact schedule IC sessions. Two to be exact, later today and then on Wednesday. Little hitch in my plan to go home to do the Skype session with the IC for my appointment in that W was still at home. Apparently she called in sick to work today. So, I didn't go into the house... didn't want her listening in on my session and in fact didn't even want her to know I had one, though I assume MC will tell her I did and I didn't tell MC not to.

I gave the MC the detailed rundown (I had interfaced with her via text on Saturday when all the crap went down, but she had not gotten the full scoop). Told her all in knew about W's carryings-on, where I was, that I am at this point "done" with all the crap, that I still have feelings for W but don't know how I could ever see my way clear ever again to trust her and, while I couldn't completely rule out the possibility of trying to work things out some day that things were so effed up right now and W is such an obvious train-wreck that I have absolutely no idea what that might look like... Although it would certainly involve complete accountability for everything in the A from the past, complete transparency going forward, and obviously complete disassociation from both OM and bff AND, most importantly, complete commitment from W to the MR... Which is the biggest, perhaps insurmountable hurdle because I do not know how I would ever be able to trust her commitment.

Also discussed my anger and hatred towards OM... which, after she became comfortable I wasn't going to go out and whack the guy, MC also granted as being completely normal. Even healthy, she said.

MR said all those feelings completely normal. Advised against direct communication with W in the short term since emotions are so charged, except maybe by text, and advised against any joint MC (there's just no point right now) for the indefinite future. Advised giving the boys "surface level" explanation as they are certain to know something is up, but to hold off on any detailed explanations til later. She did grant that leveling with them about the affair ultimately, regardless of WON wife and I divorce, would be a good idea, and also an opportunity to teach them about the importance of boundaries and such.

She talked a bit about the struggle of women in Joan's position to "get their heads right", so she seems to understand the dynamic. Says in my W's case her upbringing and the pressure on her to be the "good girl" and the"good oldest child" have led to it being very hard for her to admit fault and take full accountability for mistakes, and that this is an additional hurdle that will have to be overcome. Agreed with me that her bff would obviously have to "go" if she is ever to drag herself out of this, but that that is something that she is going to have to recognize on her own, hopefully with the help of IC. Also said that W's in my wife's position sometimes "live in a fog" and cant always accurately and fully account for their actions at the time... that if it came to that and that I wanted a full accounting from W for the A, I might need to get it "in writing" so she would have time to process and think about it... but that W was nowhere near being ready for that kind of thing right now.

Agreed that it was troubling that, although W had shown SOME remorse for and acknowledgment of my pain, that there had been no "I'm sorry" or other explicit apology. (Though, again, noting my W's own peculiar hangups on that point.) Also, troubled, though not surprised given what just happened, that the "justification" and rebellion narratives had returned in small doses last couple of weeks.

Interesting question she raised which I had not considered: Would I continue to pay for W's counseling sessions? On the one hand, I would be inclined to say "yes"... if I had some hope that she would come around and fix things with herself. (There is no way she affords the sessions as well as the cost of living here where we live-- one of highest costs of living in country-- on her salary alone. She makes about a quarter of what I make.) OTOH... I am not sure she is genuine about any of this. All I could think when I walked into the bedroom last night and she was sitting in the middle of the bed wearing my shirt (that was her favorite of mine) and sobbing was: "Wow, nice act... you should get an Oscar for that one." If she is just doing this to appease me, to get out of the mess she got herself into, because she got "caught" then... screw that, right? Do I want to be paying the counselor a lot of money (and it is a lot of money that insurance does not reimburse very well-- mental health benefits sucking in general as they do). I am really torn here. On the one hand, if she is to pull herself out of this and become a person who could have a relationship with me (or anyone) she is absolutely going to need the help of a qualified therapist... and this particular therapist really GETS my W. OTOH, I don't want to be getting financially gaffed for a bunch of "show" sessions for a manipulative WW. Interested in everyone's take on this one.

In sum, in general, urged contemplative thought before making any big decisions. Said I was justified in not wanting to leave marital bedroom and home and said it was obviously up to me whether or not to split completely, but that she would advise against it if I harbored any thoughts of potential reconciliation in the future.

I have a follow up scheduled on Wednesday. That's soon, I know, and probably sooner than I needed, but we left a bunch of things un-discussed, and her next opening was not until Wednesday the following week.

She did advise against physical separation, which I expected, saying that that adds an additional layer of separation which is hard for many couples to overcome. That is the biggest, and really only, difference I can see between the counselor's advice and what I am reading here.

Okay, that's it for now. Fire away!