i missed a couple of your entries yesterday... when i reacted the way i at my H's BD, i may as well have followed a script... i didn't, of course, but just about everything your wife has done and is doing in response to your BD, i did the same... i just came across this from you yesterday:
"Hoosjim, I am so sorry I know that you are hurting because of me and because of that I am dying on the inside. I am trying g to figure me out that is why I had scheduled an appointment with Jessica [our MC/IC] for Wednesday and also for tomorrow. I have done lots of looking into myself.And please understand that what you think yesterday was was not even close. I wish we could talk about it. I know I want us. Not because of yesterday, and not because of the kids, and not because I'm supposed to, but because I want us"
I did this very thing... I sent H messages saying that I just wanted him and the boys and me to move away, just us four... to get away and start over... that I wanted him, wanted to be married to him... i didn't want anybody else... I don't know why I had done the things I had... I am trying to figure it out... ugh...
She says she's looked deep into herself and that is why she scheduled an appointment... wow... she finally got around to scheduling an appointment... just last week it was, "i should schedule an appointment... i'm going to try to schedule an appointment." see what i mean about her words? her words, all along, have been uncommitted... the truth is, she should have scheduled these appointments way before it got to this... she should have honored your requirements when you voiced them...
she is still all about herself: I'm dying inside... well, damm, girl... you sure weren't dying inside when you told hoosjim you were going to have a longer session at the gym on Saturday--cardio and weights, my a$$...
and then saying what you think is not even close... she is still not taking responsibility for her betrayal... her deceitfulness...
and then saying she know she wants "US," not because of yesterday, not because of the boys, not because she is supposed to... she is disingenuous here... IT IS BECAUSE OF YESTERDAY (Saturday)... had that not happened, she would not be telling you in plain words that she wants "US."
This was followed closely by a 40 second voicemail of which I couldn't even distingush coherent words through the heavy sobbing. I think I may actually be growing cold and callous, although her crying did tug at my Heartstrings just a little, I have to admit. What is it about women's tears? Y'all put some kind of special chemicals or something like that?
i sent H an incoherent voicemail too... he didn't get it until after the suicide threat, until after he let me come home... my tears tugged at him too... he hated to see me hurt... even when he first told me he knew about my very first EA, he said the look of pain on my face really hurt him... he hated seeing me in pain even though he was in pain, and i was the cause of it...
You love your wife... you don't want to see her hurt... but if you hope to get to the other side of this with any sense of victory--whatever that may be, YOU MUST RESPECT YOURSELF MORE THAN YOU LOVE HER...
