WW in MLC affair and I need advice..

[Natash]

Thank you very much for the thoughtful response Sandi! I have been looking forward to get insight from you like this since I first started reading the boards. I was in awe how well you seemed to be able to grasp our situations and then be able to give guidance.

"One of the things I've noticed about H's who have the NGS, is that in his need to control things, he will often want someone else to do the hard work. He may tell his W's parents or her closest friends, in hopes they will talk sense into her and get her to stay."

Dont get me wrong, I love to work and often enjoy hard work but Im guilty. I did both, shared our sitch with my MIL and my W BF hoping they could give her some guidance along the way. I am now regretting both of those choices I made. At the time, I figured Id be upfront and honest and who knew if Id have the chance to ever give my side of the story? Now I feel both parties are listening to my W and they are making me out to be the bad guy. I am not, some with see that, some will not.

Thank you for reenforcing why the changes are personal and private. I never viewed it that way but now completely see how if I admit that a change is needed, W will say "see what I mean?" and justify in her mind that she was right in her choice(s).

"It's usually when she's feeling resentful and she'll make some snide remark, some facial or body language that expresses how put out she feels with him. If he lets it go, then she'll not think of what a great guy she has.......but she'll think he's not much of a man to let her away with it, and next time she'll say or do a little more that shows she's losing respect for him. By the time she's in an A, she's been disrespecting him in little ways for a long time."

I have been part of this for several years. My wife has always had a sharp tounge and it is even sharper when she is upset. I've typically brushed it off and told myself it is who she is. Little did I know, I should have handled this differently. I only stood up at times when I felt strongly against a comment or action knowing it would cause a fight and I don't like confrontation. It got to the point last year I remember looking at my wife and thinking "why have you lost respect for me when I have done so much for us and we are very fortunate to be this successful in life." I no longer allow her to get away with any snide remarks, eye rolls etc...I am calling her out on each of these and did a few times this weekend.

"But a man with NGS is confused about how he shows his love. Please study the NGS and note the thought areas you need to change. Until you focus on that part, all this other stuff is useless in saving your MR. The first thing most nice guy H's want to do whenever they learn the WW is in an A, is to prove how much he loves her."

That was me until I found the board, I went into super husband mode and showed my wife what I could do around the house. Now I know how she viewed this desperate act. I read a lot about the NGS around here and it seems there are several active guys that share an almost identical experience with me and my sitch...do you have any recommendations, pointers, or places to obtain some info on the NGS? I need to correct this but want to make sure I am doing it in the right way. I have found a book I plan to purchase and read but I benefit more from active threads and reading others opinions and pointers/advice.

"Currently, she doesn't want you, except maybe, as a friend. It will not draw her attraction, b/c she'll see you like her gay friend.......and the relationship with her will never get beyond that point. You can't nice her back, and unfortunately, I don't know if you are convinced of it, yet."

Again, spot on. She has told me we did get a divorce, she still wants to be friends but that might be "in a fairytale world". I told her I dont know if that could be possible. Divorce and money can bring out the worst in people,friends would be easier said then done". I do realize that I cant nice her back now. Being too nice is part of the reason we are where we are now.

The problem I currently have is I feel stuck until the next phase happens. Im just starting to GAL. As the snow melts and weather improves, this will be easier as activities around increase. I did some reflecting today and I made two new goals. One-remain as calm as possible around the kids (no matter what the situation. Right now I am the only parent parenting in the house and correcting my girls so sometimes I raise my voice if they don't listen. I am stressed and then their misbehavoir adds to the stress but it is not their fault so I should not be passing it onto them but raising my voice) and two- always be kind and polite to the W, along with working on validating with her thoughts and feelings over the next weeks. I have sometimes been silent which might come off as being cold. I'll use today for instance, she had a nice new red shirt on and I thought "that shirt looks nice on you". I should have told her that but at the time I didnt because I keep telling myself "don't pursue her". Once I thought about it, that wouldn't be persuing her. I could say the same to a little old lady of a house guest right?