Since we moved to California from Utah 10 years ago, our marriage has never been better. We worked through previous issues, fell much deeper in love. The last 3-4 evem better. Even H says that. But it goes back to him saying he thinks we just got comfortable. Which I'm still not sure that's quite a bad thing.
All weekend, since Friday's fireworks, I have been reflect deeper and deeper. Especially on something the kids said. H has said st throughout the years that he wants more attention. The kids said the other night that maybe I over compensated my attention on them to make up for what H didn't give them. I didn't give H as much attention as I should have (not the kids' words), becuase I was giving it to the kids because he wasn't giving them any. Visious circle there.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
I got caught up on your sitch, and I feel for what you and your kids are going through.
You have received a lot of excellent advice, as I fully expected you would. There are many kind and compassionate people here with much to offer.
From what I read it sounded like you have contacted a L about your legal rights. It also doesn’t hurt to see one or two other Ls to ensure all questions are answered. I hope you do not need to use this knowledge, but if this goes sideways you don’t want to be scrambling to get information. As someone said to you earlier, it would be the most important financial decision of your life.
Looking at the conversation between H and the kids, his involvement with OW, and his cake eating I think some boundaries are needed in regards to disrespectful behaviour, visiting, and sex - IMHO.
I was glad to read that your kids were supporting each other. I found that my children have grown closer to each other after all this, I expect you will see the same.
Keep working on detachment and try to quit taking the bait.
Your doing great Meg.
xoxo
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
All things now considered its best you find a way to establish some clear defined boundaries with H.
Stop the coming and going at his desire.
He wants to do laundry - there's a thing called launder-mat. He wants to have kids for dinner he can cook at his apartment or take them out. Wants family dinner? Then he can take you all out but remember you might want to let him know you are busy.
Gee - what if he starts doing laundry at OW's? Let him. Most A's eventually fizzle out because real life sets in - let her see what an arse he can be if he gets grumpy about doing his own laundry. If you haven't already read His Needs/Her Needs - How to Affair Proof Your Marriage. Right now the A is filling one need but once you start relying on the A to fill all your needs they start seeing all the flaws.
In the meantime keep up with GAL. It will help you figure out what you are capable of and what you are capable of living with. You've been down this road before - what if you fix things again and he does this again in another 10yr. Will it be worth it? I'm not judging because maybe it is but you certainly have a pattern that requires your attention.
Certainly don't take the steps to enable the D but don't put up with being treated like a doormat. Get your ducks in row as they say.
I still highly encourage you to read Love Must Be Tough. Now I wasn't into all the religious aspects but it was still a good read and helpful.
I have no doubt that H mentioning he wanted to date others WAS his way of telling you about OW.
There is always a point when couples separate that they come to agreements. Sometimes couples agree not to date or involve others during this time and other couples agree that its an option. The most important part is that the couple discusses their expectations of a separation and sometimes even draft a contract - see Controlled Separation.
Your H has been guilty of an A before and how did that resolve? Did the A fizzle out or did he actually choose to come home to his wife? Were you clear about future expectation in regards to your R? Did you ever let him know that you would not tolerate another A? I'm just wondering why your H would feel you would tolerate him dating others while still M?
Meg you can do this - None of here knows what is going to happen with your M but you can get through this and find out you are so much stronger than you feel you are. Stop beating yourself up - most woman neglect their H to some degree in regards to kids. It happens. Many H's are needy little creatures - almost like another child. NOW-I'm not dissing all men or H's out there!!! I know my H is a very needy man. If I am meeting his needs in this he is an amazing H - but its easy to put him on the back burner because he is a grown adult. From you describe your H is most likely a very needy man as well. Read the book - it will help you... then its up to you to decide what it is that YOU want. Not your H.
Thank you DNJ and Kitcat for your words of support. I will look for those books.
As far as H coming up to visit at the house anymore, I'm not going to allow him to. He is nothing but angry when he comes anyway, and this last time shows he is only thinking of himself. It does more harm to the kids than good.
I just can't get over that H is soooo angry. And the more I detach, the angrier he gets.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
One other thing that seems odd to me (but maybe it's normal for WAS). H didn't take a single sentimental item when he moved. There arecertain things that were his mom's (she died when he was 17), that he has kept close to him since before we were married. And things from the kids to him, pictures of the kids, he left them here. The only thing he took was toiletries, clothes, and fishing gear.
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
We all sit down and H says let him talk, don't interrupt or say anything. He then proceeds to lay into each of the kids individually about how we all have each other right now, but he doesn't have anyone (he does admit that was his choice, a few times), and he's still their father. He goes on about him being the a--hole right now, but was he the a--hole in the past when he would work to make sure they all had what they wanted (he did list specifics for each one). He said they have made no effort to contact him to see how he's doing, even though he has reached out to them about certain things (not to see how they're doing), for his benefit. He just kept listing all the monetary things he has done for them since they were born. Then he said he didn't want them to say anything to him, he was leaving, think about all that all evening.
That is one of the most hateful, hurtful, selfish things I have ever heard a WAS say to their kids. That is just beyond terrible! What are we constantly preaching here, that despite everything we're going through the WAS and the LBS both need to put the kids FIRST. The kids are the ones who are damaged the worst in these situations. For him to put them through the horrors of a broken marriage, separation and pending D is awful enough, but then to sit them down and chew them out for not being there for him??? And then list off a bunch of crap purchases as examples of what a great dad he's been deserving of praise and adulation? Unbelievable. I am so sorry for you and your kids, what a terrible thing to do through!
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After he left, wow, emotions just flowed. I told the kids that he is lashing out to justify his own behavior, s19 and s17 agreed, d13 was just crying. She has never had a bad relationship with H, he had no right to do that to her. He had no right to do that to both boys either. The kids and I talked a lot after he left. I just let them talk. They all pretty much said what I've thought for years, H never was there for them emotionally. Yes, he made sure they had whatever they wanted, but emotionally, he never tried to connect with them. Even D13 agreed.
I do agree that what he did was wrong but you've got to be very careful here. He is their dad and even though he is a bad one, he is their only one. So be very careful about trash-talking him or encouraging them to. Not sure what your financial situation is but if possible, please check into counseling for the kids.
I do agree that what he did was wrong but you've got to be very careful here. He is their dad and even though he is a bad one, he is their only one. So be very careful about trash-talking him or encouraging them to. Not sure what your financial situation is but if possible, please check into counseling for the kids.
I have been very careful not to trash talk H to the kids. I want them to have their own relationship with him. Unfortunately the boys have never really had a good relationship with him. I continue to encourage them to reach out to him, regardless of what H does.
As far as counseling, we did talk about that the other day, D13 asked if she could talk to someone. So I will work on getting that in place for her this week.
Since she is a minor, is that something that I should inform H?
Me-44,H-44 S21,S19,S17,D13 M-22,T-29 (off and on prior to M) BD:12-20-17 (H said he had things to work out in his head) H moved out:3-4-18
One other thing that seems odd to me (but maybe it's normal for WAS). H didn't take a single sentimental item when he moved. There arecertain things that were his mom's (she died when he was 17), that he has kept close to him since before we were married. And things from the kids to him, pictures of the kids, he left them here. The only thing he took was toiletries, clothes, and fishing gear.
That can be hard to interpet... mostly because he acts like he has his OWN place but still comes to M home when he feels necessary. He is living in both worlds so there isn't a need to haul these items out of the house yet?
Maybe that will change you place some boundaries with him on not coming and going as he pleases?
Since she is a minor, is that something that I should inform H?
I would say yes.
Be simple and matter of fact - avoid any wordiness. A simple email or text message.
D13 is struggling with issues at home and has requested some support. Made appt at X on this date and time.
Do not hide appts. Do not deliberately schedule appt your H cannot attend unless he states he will not be there. Never do anything that prevents H from being involved.
On the other hand don't expect him to be there. Its his choice. But, don't make it where he can blame you later that he wasn't. Answer any questions briefly and as clinically as possible.
I just can't get over that H is soooo angry. And the more I detach, the angrier he gets.
That seems standard for the WAS.
Some state its because they can't find ways to blame you for their behavior. In my case it was simply making my H see me differently and getting upset - he had already planned his exit but now he was being forced to rethink and question what he really wanted. That made him feel angry... really angry.
