We all sit down and H says let him talk, don't interrupt or say anything. He then proceeds to lay into each of the kids individually about how we all have each other right now, but he doesn't have anyone (he does admit that was his choice, a few times), and he's still their father. He goes on about him being the a--hole right now, but was he the a--hole in the past when he would work to make sure they all had what they wanted (he did list specifics for each one). He said they have made no effort to contact him to see how he's doing, even though he has reached out to them about certain things (not to see how they're doing), for his benefit. He just kept listing all the monetary things he has done for them since they were born. Then he said he didn't want them to say anything to him, he was leaving, think about all that all evening.
That is one of the most hateful, hurtful, selfish things I have ever heard a WAS say to their kids. That is just beyond terrible! What are we constantly preaching here, that despite everything we're going through the WAS and the LBS both need to put the kids FIRST. The kids are the ones who are damaged the worst in these situations. For him to put them through the horrors of a broken marriage, separation and pending D is awful enough, but then to sit them down and chew them out for not being there for him??? And then list off a bunch of crap purchases as examples of what a great dad he's been deserving of praise and adulation? Unbelievable. I am so sorry for you and your kids, what a terrible thing to do through!
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After he left, wow, emotions just flowed. I told the kids that he is lashing out to justify his own behavior, s19 and s17 agreed, d13 was just crying. She has never had a bad relationship with H, he had no right to do that to her. He had no right to do that to both boys either. The kids and I talked a lot after he left. I just let them talk. They all pretty much said what I've thought for years, H never was there for them emotionally. Yes, he made sure they had whatever they wanted, but emotionally, he never tried to connect with them. Even D13 agreed.
I do agree that what he did was wrong but you've got to be very careful here. He is their dad and even though he is a bad one, he is their only one. So be very careful about trash-talking him or encouraging them to. Not sure what your financial situation is but if possible, please check into counseling for the kids.
