That escalated quickly; WW's A RESUMES(hoosjim#13)

[sandi2]

Just wanted to let you know I'm still here, for whatever that's worth. You know, it always amazes me to see board members circle the wagons when one of their own is on the brink of seeing a M go one way or the other. Although we would not know you if we saw you in a crowd, we know about you in a personal way......and we care. (((hugs)))

I for one, will be very anxious to hear how the MC sessions go. Are you and W seeing the counselor separately or together?

I don't know how much you said to your W through texting yesterday, but it sounds like you handled yourself very well when you went to get more clothes. You said both boys were there. Did the oldest son ride back from college, b/c he knew something was going on? Did the boys ask you questions?

I know you are furious at the OM. Maybe it is natural for any H to want to believe the OM pursued the WW. He may have made first contact, I don't know.....but I think your W is just as guilty as OM. If the OM did contact her first, she should have very firmly told him to never contact her again. I just have doubts that was the case.

My DB mentor had warned me of several things about my OM. One warning was that he would contact me after he had made his circle through whatever other women he might have had on the side (too long to explain it all now). I can't remember exactly, but I think it was almost a year, when he called me at work. He talked as if there had been no space or time since the last call. By the time he had reached out to me, I had finally gotten through the withdrawals, and I basically repeated what I had told him in the email when I had decided to end the A. After that, he never contacted me again.

So, I can see your W's OM contacting her first. How long she may have gone NC, I have no idea. I had forgotten about the incident with her wearing the mysterious jewelry and having a change of clothes for after work. Artista has personal experience that I don't have, and I am so glad she stuck close by you, yesterday.

Let me tell you something I've learned. I saw some of this in myself when Coconut decided he was done and left his W. I saw it in myself yesterday when Artista started giving you the tough advice that you needed to hear. I am getting soft. I was close to losing my objectivity, and as soon as I read Artista's post......I knew she was right. I have been giving your W too much benefit of doubt.

I've seen other LBH's tell newcomers to trust their gut. Your gut was telling you something wasn't right, but you wanted to believe she was being honest, so badly. I did, too. I think we all wanted to see this play out with a happy ending. I believe the M can survive the storm, under those conditions I listed yesterday.......and probably more. B/c your W is clever, and until she wants to "be" married and "behave" like a M woman, more than she wants to tease the bad girl into coming out to play with the bad boys............the vicious roller coaster ride will continue.

Frankly, I don't see how joint MC sessions will help, until she gets her head on straight. Remember the time she said she didn't know if the IC was the girl for her? I think the IC suspected she was still contacting OM, and that's why your W would find excuses to bypass another session. Why wouldn't she see the counselor on her own today?

I don't want your W seeing the MC session as some type of band-aid to smooth things over to get you back home. Whatever is at the root of her rebellion, she needs to deal with it, instead of thinking you should just accept it. My anger and rebellious spirit did not vanish when I ended my A. It would have been wonderful, if that had been the case. However, I had to work through those issues.

I hope you'll look again at Don H's post yesterday about his experience with people's addictions. If there was ever an anology that reinforces the need for tough love in these cases of wayward spouses.......that's it.