I'm sorry about all of the difficulties you've gone through. I know that most people offering advice just want things to work-out (i.e. another marriage saved), but it seems like so often it just turns into a lot of game-play (pursuit and distancing) between the spouses.
I was very fortunate to have a wonderful IC (originally my MC) who helped me put everything in proper perspective. I truly believe, although I could be wrong, that my marriage, as well as many other marriages could be saved by using tough love early in the process. As you probably know, I'm a firm believer in the two step process:
1. Boot the offending spouse out on their @ss. 2. Move on with your life.
In my opinion that approach beats the h3ll out of all of the game playing. And, surprise-surprise, you may even find out you're better off without them.
