New LBW, H maybe in MLC and now with OW - part 2

[meg24]

Honey, please go get tested for STDS if you have had unprotected sex with a wayward.

That is a 2x4, thank you. I actually have a physical already scheduled later this week, I will request testing.

I have been over in the MLC forum, reading posts by DNJ, his sitch sounds so much like mine, with variations. Some things I have made note of....

Kids are usually the one topic that they can depend on, to push your buttons and make you react, rather than act.

When they see you changing, and not reacting to their button pushing, they will search for new buttons to push. The more out of sorts, conflicted, and angry YOU are, then the reasons to leave are amplified even more so.

I think this might be kind of why H turned on the kids the other night, because I wasn't reacting, probably about knowing about his A.

H also seemed happy sometimes in the beginning
but that didn't surprise me as he was free to ride his motorcycle and hang out with his new girl-- while I was cooking, cleaning and helping with homework

Ain't that the truth. Describes my H exactly, all the way down to the motorcycle. Now he is just angry whenever he is around us, doesn't even try to smile.

One very insightful question that was asked of me here quite some time ago was "if roles were reversed and you had been the one to leave and have an affair - would your W be here trying to save the marriage?".

Give that one some thought. In my case the answer was a fairly definitive no.

An important piece of a healthy marriage is - I've been told and now believe - is reciprocity. For many of us LBS we've been carrying the load in the relationship enabling the selfishness of our spouses.

Hit the nail on the head with my H. We separated years ago (H initiated separation, similar reasons to now) when s17 was about 5 months old, then R, and in the beginning of R H and an H. I kind of buried my head in the sand and kept going (this was right after September 11 attacks, and I was freaked out because H was in Canada on a job when the attacks happened and I wanted him home, hence the A happening). Anyway, fast forward 3 years, to being pregnant with d13. We were having problems again, he self-centered, self-indulgent really showing. I told H I wanted a separation. H told me if we separated, it was done, he would immediately file for D, now working on things.

So I feel there is no reciprocity with him. If he had issues with me, I had to fix them. But if I had issues with him, that was the end of it.

Also, 11 years ago I had a very brief online EA with a man I knew in high school. H discovered it, wanted to send me to live with my mom (without kids) in Utah (we had just moved to California the year before) and keep everything. We worked through that one pretty well though. Took about a year, but we worked through, has never been an issue again. I am so ashamed of that EA. Prior to that, and since, I never ever confided in opposite-sex person, or became even remotely close to any, as I don't believe that's appropriate.

So, I understand your confusion with your W wanting to be friends. In fact, I STILL struggle with this! I think what it comes down to is what feels right for you. In my case, staying friendly has kept the waters calm for S, which is my main goal. If S wasn't in the picture, everything would be different for me. I did over time get tired of being so friendly and kind to someone who did such terrible things to me, so I have pulled back quite a bit. And I do constantly remind myself that H really isn't a good friend, everything revolves around him. Very self centered.

This is my H, he keeps saying he wants his best friend back (but not his wife). I have a hard time being friendly with how he's treated me, the kids. And how do I be friends with the person who ripped my family to shreds?

I agree that especially in your case that OM is irrelevant. From what you've narrated in your story he was convenient, not causational. In a lot of the stories I've read both here and elsewhere including my own there is a common theme in the leaving spouse either running "from" something or "to" something. We have few truly abusing / neglectful spouses on any of these forums so many of the stories are where the spouse is running "to" something. In my case it was to a man who had more money. In other cases it was from a life that they found stale and dull.

My H is running from a life of everydayness. He wants adventure and excitement. I believe H is running from a boring/predictable/life
filled with responsibilities.