WW's A ended, Now piecing(?) but slow, thread #12

[sandi2]

But it will have to be addressed. I really really really really really would prefer not to have to leave my own house since I did nothing freaking wrong. What if she refuses, what she very well might, particularly with BFF in her corner cheering her on.

Anyone have any advice on how to handle this issue? As in, when should I be open to discussing it with her and how I should handle it? I can tell her I want her gone until I'm blue in the face, but I can't force her.

Are you going home tonight, or do you plan to wait until Monday night?

When you picture a man who is "done" with his WW, what do you see? You illustrated that picture very well yesterday. But like most H's, your mind is on talking and when you can sit down with her and have a discussion about everything. Frankly, I think it is too soon, but if you go home, you will be miserable until you address it.........unless you were serious about being done. In my mind, I picture a man who is really done.....not interested in saying a word or hearing anything she has to say. I can't imagine anything a woman could say to wiggle herself out of this one......but the best thing she could do is admit how wrong she was, and beg for your forgiveness. (No wonder she would not take responsibility!) She needs to admit she was wrong the last time, too. I am suspicious of a WW who could take her affair deeper underground and then compose a letter as quickly as she did.

I think Artista was hoping you would not retun to the house, if I understood correctly, to give WW a stronger message of being done.

Do you have family/friend there? Does BFF's XH (your friend) still live nearby? I know it's not something you want to impose on others, but you may have to find a temporary place.

What do you want to happen, Jim? I don't think she will.....but what if she apologizes? What do you want to do then? As I said yesterday, this needs to be a "do or die" time in the M. Otherwise, you'll go through the experience again or get divorced. So, this needs to "take".

IMHO, the only way you should even consider staying under the same roof (and this would not be designated as an in-house separation), is (1) she gives an apology with a humble spirit; (2) she has IC session, weekly, with this same counselor (until/unless I/C says less) and then have MC sessions; (3) she surrenders burner phone, and reveals any other sources/apps used to conduct her affair; (4) she sends text to OM, from burner phone, in front of you, telling him to never try to contact her again; (5) she gets a new number; (6) she deletes and blocks OM from all apps; (7) she agrees to your terms of transparency (not her terms); (8) she agrees to no more after work wine groups with the doc, or any man, in small groups; (9) if the affair was physical, she agrees to a STD test, and show you the results; (10) she ends contact with BFF.

I believe the BFF is feeding your W's wayward nature, and if she doesn't end that relationship then your M is going to continue experiencing infidelity at some level. I think you know it, too. I think the MC knows it. She may not agree, or she may choose BFF over her H......or thinks she can hide it. If so, it would require you not backing down and proceeding to the next step.

The MC might scoff at the terms above, IDK. You may think they are unrealistic. Your WW will probably make all sorts of accusations about them. It's your life, your M, and your decision to make whatever terms are necessary to help you feel safe in a MR with your W. I think the first time around you were not strict enough about transparency, b/c you said she'd never agree to it. She's not in any position to make any demands.......or give terms and conditions. Your mindset should not be about what you think she'll agree to do, but rather what you'll need to feel safe again. Otherwise, how will you be able to have hope of a trusting & loving MR? These are just my opinions, and everyone doesn't agree with them.

I am here to support you.

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Preferably, the H tells the WW that she betrayed the MR, so she needs to leave the marital bedroom, and the house. Since BFF has been consoling your W, I don't think she'll leave.......unless BFF invites her to stay with her (BFF), and then they can really party. If WW won't agree to end friendship with BFF, then you can tell her to leave the marital home and stay with her wayward buddy. It doesn't mean she will.......but you can tell her you don't want her in the marital home when she was betraying the marriage. I think it's important to call the MBR the marital bedroom, and call the house the marital home........to hone the offense. You can't force her to leave, but you don't have to tell her what you can't do (like some H's do).

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I would not do anything that might hint of domestic violence. One poster said his W called the cops b/c he yelled at his WW. They told him it was considered DV. One H was arrested b/c he was trying to throw his WW's clothes out of the MBR.....and she was screaming & throwing them back. .

I don't expect her to warmly accept your terms, but should things take a bad turn, you need to leave. It would be a bitter pill.....but it's better than going to jail.

S***, now what to do about that $2,800 Cancun vacation in May. Gonna have to find a new date.

Try to organize your thoughts and concerns. Put the Cancun trip in a mental file for next week, or whenever.