I guess I was triggered by the G and the back garden and now i am panic and anxious about lots of random stuff. Things worry me more than they should when I have had a PTSD incident.
The big house not selling for instance, fins are very dire still as every penny is going to fight the G legally and pay his settlement. I hate it that it is like this. Truly do hate it.
I feel overwhelmed and overloaded at work, trying to do lots of stuff. It is a problem for me to make changes when I am in this mode. Truly it is an issue and I don't want it.
A couple of minor screw ups that I would take in my stride and that's it, life is a tragedy in my head. Of course outwardly it's ok, I am like a Swan paddling furiously under water. I get it.
Then I think I should retire, stick my head in the sand and just fade. But I can't, I have bills, debts, loans and other stuff I have to clear first.
The G is paid off but my L isn't. Things need handling and resolving. The credit cards paid off. I am timid and hesitant sometimes, unsure of my position. And I make mistakes, that's so easy when you are triggered, you can make mistakes by doing stuff and you can make mistakes by not doing stuff. My work is very complex and it needs a clear head which I often don't have. Sometimes I think I am losing my grip but then I am not losing my grip.
They say FEAR is false evidence appearing real, but trust me that isn't the case, you aren't paranoid if they really are out to get you. And you can be afraid if there are monsters in the back garden.
It's hard to remember you are trying to drain the swamp when you are knee deep in alligators. I wish I had aged pa to talk to, his voice and love always calmed my nervous system.
Back to studying, I think I should go dancing tonight.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
