WW's A ended, Now piecing(?) but slow, thread #12

[hoosjim]

Plannin ahead. I have my room. Ima go home grab my stuff. My meds and dop kit and a Change of clothes. I also must protect out my son's checklist for his therapy tasks for the next few days. I do not plan on talking to her beyond saying "I don't want to talk" maybe even "I don't want to see you either"either hburg that's it.

Tonight I will call S18 to say goodnight. Possible he'll be staying with friends.

Tomorrow, church in the morning. Maybe I'll drive down to see S19 at his college. We'd been planning on going to see him and go to church and have brunch next sunday (easter), but that's obviously shot now.

Monday and the work week will be trickier. I reall don't want her around but doubt she will leave. That brings up the whole master bedroom issue. Not an argument I want to have because seems unproductive and a dead end.

Moving forward, I have IC on Monday. I am Assuming she at some point might try to get us back together, might even ask me about it. Not really even sure what I think of that idea, and, if it ever were to happen, how would I ever know if W was being genuine? Seems almost pointless. I don't want to let myself in again for the constant fear and guessing game.

I still love her and in a perfect world would want to be with her in a happy, committed, intime marriage. But this is far from a perfect situation. Dont see how I could ever trust her.

You know, it's weird. In some ways, this hurts worse than the original bomb drop because at that time, it was hard to say that we were even friends. Now, at this point, I had gotten my hopes up. I thought we had finally turned the corner and that, while there was much work left to be done, that we might actually make this thing work, maybe even make it better than before. So in that respect it does hurt. At the same time, just in terms of just me, I am in some ways better than I have ever been. Healthier, more assured in my faith, reconnected with so many friends and made so many more over the past few months, broaden my horizons... so, but I have the sadness, I really feel... good. And then a lot of ways, there's a lot less uncertainty now. I know the score.

Going to need a lot of support through from the folks on this site. I'll be swimming in uncharted waters. Not sure where I'll go I want to be going when the dust settles. Seems like it could be anywhere. But I know that I'll be good no matter how things turn out