I disagree with Artista - I don't think he is gas-lighting at all.
From what Meg describes he is simply very angry because he feels unappreciated... by everyone. Is he right??? Does it matter??? I don't think he was blowing things up to make them feel like they were losing their marbles or it was all their fault but simply showing them his feelings on the matter.
But now I get to clean up the mess he made with the kids. Just as I have done for years, after various interactions with them.
Meg is this your 'more of the same' behavior that you need to stop. Stop fixing his mess with the kids. Validate YOUR kids and show them the steps they should take BUT stop doing it for them. They are all old enough ---- "Dear D13 I totally understand your confusion, hurt and anger at the words your father said to you. When you feel like you have gathered your thoughts I would suggest that you call your father and ask to meet to speak, speak on the phone or it that's to difficult to write a short letter to him".
You've been the middle man so long your H doesn't know what to do or how to do.
Look, I know your frustration in that. When my ex moved several states away I made his attorney put in our modified visitation order that he would facetime every week with our son. It's been 2yr now and he has never once facetimed him. In fact his dad goes months and months without even so much as a text message to his son. Yes - he is the adult and he should be the bigger person... YES - teenager are by nature selfish and feel it shouldn't be their job. However, when big things happen I just remind S16 to text and let his father know or to call his dad. Should it be the 16yr olds job? Of course not, but I'm teaching my son how to interact with his dad. The two of them need to figure out how to have a realationship. I will encourage and give tools to help with success but the more I call my ex and complain how he isn't following his own visitation order is just going to make my ex dig in his heels and not do it.
Meg the other thing you mentioned that H said was that you all have each other and he is all alone... that is 2 fold.
1) He realizes he doesn't have individual/tight relationships with his kids like you do. Of course that is his own doing as well yours. Stop picking things up and smoothing things over. Let him fall flat on his face AND don't coddle the kids over it.
2) He is starting to realize that his choice to be outside the home is a clear separation from you and the kids. He is reacting in anger but he is really confused and questioning everything.
GAL made my H angry... really angry... enough that I questioned was I doing the right thing??? He was just confused. He thought he had figured out what he wanted and now he didn't know... so he was angry that he was second guessing himself.
Now, I do agree that you deserve some boundries. I might suggest you stop having family dinners at the house. He wants to eat with the kids he can do so at his apartment or take them to dinner. If he invites you its your choice to go or not. I think you do need to cut him off a bit from this double life of being free to come and go from the M home as he tells you. I think you will up his respect for you by having some clear boundaries.
