WW's A ended, Now piecing(?) but slow, thread #12

[sandi2]

I wish the correct times were displayed on the board.

Okay, so now you think you have solid proof that it is OM? But yesterday (or whatever.....by the board's clock/calendar) it could have been a different voice, and you were just getting bits & pieces?

I think you need to follow up the idea about posting a lookout........if you can handle it.

I need input on how to approach the break up. Maybe, and im holding out a slim hope here, she eventually gets her house in order and comes back... and maybe, just maybe i would still want her back. I just don't want to foreclose anything.

My proposed approach is this: "We need to talk, now. I'm finished doing this. I want you out of the house by the end of the week. You can start moving your stuff out immediately." (Her: "But... why?") Me: "You know why." If she persists: "I told you i would not share you, and if you went back to OM in any way we were through. So, we're through." You tried this the first time she cheated, and she flatly refused to leave the house. So why replay old records?

And i feel somewhat strongly that i want to add something like this: "I also think we should tell the children. Everything. Yes, that I was neglectful and didn't give my wife their mother the love and attention a husband should, and that you became very lonely. And that why you were so very lonely you started an inappropriate relationship with another man... Mr. OM. And now you have decided you want to continue that relationship and that our MR cant be saved." No.....no......no! Absolutely not!

"But, but, i have been working on us.. things have been going so much better, havent' they.?" Me: "I wont share you, i was very clear on this from the start. If you are hanging onto the relationship with OM in any way... then you are not "working on us." In fact, you are hurting us. Goodbye. No! Forget this kind of stuff!

I know some say the kids shouldn't be told. My kids are 18 and 19. They are good boys. They need to know. Look back at your original thread.

I had a good friend of mine today (W's bff's STBXH) counsel me to not do anything precipitous as long as his STBXW was still in town (she's moving in June to FLA), that my wife was still "with me", and that it is quite likely that with the extremely bad influence of bff out of the way, that my W might come around. I think she'll come around quicker if i give her the boot. No!

I want to be firm, and resolute, but i don't want to drive her away and burn every bridge.

Input please, this goes down tomorrow or Sunday (after her trip to "see bff and get waxed") at the latest.

Or do i wait til monday and talk to MC/IC first?

And if she says "Why should we tell the kids, dont you want everyone to be "happy"" I would want to say: "Happy?!?" "Because their family is breaking up? Because their mother is cheating on their father? Unhappiness is what affairs and infidelity are! They're lies, and betrayal, and hurt, and pain, and broken homes! Not this happy little fairy tale that your bff keeps spoon feeding you! "

.

Stop replaying this stuff in your head. It's the same stuff as last time. You don't intend to have rerun, do you? Jim, you are beginning to panic. I think one of the guys said it best. Just tell her two words, "I'm done".

In your mind, you see yourself already telling the kids, etc. As I recall, that's when I joined your thread the first time.......when you were debating what to tell the kids.

I can't say that I agree with your friend about waiting until BFF moves away in June. Why should you deal with this crap till then? If you have proof......then you follow through on your boundary.

I think she'll come around quicker if i give her the boot.

I want to be firm, and resolute, but i don't want to drive her away and burn every bridge.

Why are you having these conversation scenarios in your head? Your thinking is getting scr@wed up real fast. Do not tell her you need to talk!! No talking this time. You a drop a bomb of your own, and leave her to clean up the mess.

You think she'll come around quicker if you give her the boot..........but at the same time, you don't want to drive her away? Listen, you need to figure out what it is you want.........before you make a move to do anything!

If you give her the boot, you'd better make a believer out of her. You can't do any of this stuff about giving her time to make up her mind, having a talk, what to tell the kids, and such. You tell her you are done, and let her figure out the rest.