Well All of this posting and wonderful support is helping, and the readings too, my attitude shifted a tiny bit today and something happened.
My H asked me to have dinner. Normally I would have jumped at it but today I said “I could have dinner with you but only if you agree to be civil and not try to bully me into signing over my matrimonial property.” He said well we don’t have to talk about that. I said ok but I will meet you at the restaurant and if I start to feel uncomfortable I am going to leave. Those are very tough words coming from me.
It was ok. He told me that he had done everything right in our relationship and the only thing he could have done differently to make things better would have been to leave me without support.
I would normally have been deeply hurt and threatened by this remark but today I wasn’t. I started to see him with a different perspective. I have been shouldering all of the blame and responsibility. Normally I would have started apologizing and trying to convince him to see some good in me. Today I didn’t. I smiled and said, you know it is really a rare person who can say with so much sincerity and conviction that they have played no role in a conflict. That takes a lot of confidence.
I left the restaurant first, politely, but no clinging for crumbs. I am home now, feeling a little stronger and very grateful for those of you who took the time to see me and to support me and to help me. .
I have a long road ahead of me and I know this is just a tiny first step, but it is a step. I feel a bit more human.
