I am not normally a depressed person and I am seeing a counsellor. Some how I am not making progress.

I always had hope and a belief that things would work out and that I would be in a happy and stable relationship. I have had relationships fail before but I always believed there would be another chance. For the first time I am questioning that belief. Hope is dying and I cannot imagine the bleak nature of a life without love.

I really believed that this person was mature and stable. He seemed terrific and I did my homework. After we moved in together the breakups started. Any time something happened where we disagreed he would end the relationship but never act on it.

Then the list of his needs (lots of space, time, no contact, no questions, no pressure, sun-filled rooms, certain kinds of food etc). Then I would do what I could to find ways to solve the problem (I would stay quiet and do my own thing in the evenings, try to create an harmonious home environment etc.) then things I needed to fix about myself changing my personality flaws) and now we don’t even speak every day and that is still too much.

I realize this is his pattern in relationships- he blames his partners for his restlessness and loneliness. It starts out so well but quickly his fears take over and he punishes the one who loves him for loving him.

Now he is treating me with contempt and somehow this makes me feel worthless and unlovable. I so desperately need his acceptance now so I can feel worthy that I would literally do almost anything including completely subjugating my needs to prove to him that I am worthy of the love he sometimes shows me. I want him to want me again.

I don’t want to accept that he is unstable. I want to believe that if I change something about myself that the relationship will get better. I don’t want to accept that I have made this mistake and wasted love and loyalty and years of hard work on someone who doesn’t care for me. An even bigger part of me believes that I have driven him away. That I am so flawed that how could he possibly care about me and if doesn’t why on earth would anyone.

I am being belittled and blamed and accused and misjudged. He looks for flaws in all of my actions and refuses to acknowledge anything positive or good. When he calms down after a huge blow up he sometimes sees that he had a role and he is loving for a little while, until I start to relax and ask for something he is not ready to give me, like reassurance or a commitment.