Gaslighting or selfish, naive and blind...

[ciluzen]

Thank you. This seminar is for therapists and is intense. I feel almost likeI have been running a marathon emotionally. I'm excited to go this last day, but I'm also exhausted.

An interesting part of this is the pursuer/ distancer piece. It is broken up a bit more. We learned that the pursuer, also referred to as a blamer when in conflict and the distancer, or withdrawer in conflict, can become so disheartened that their entire way of being changes. Then the pursuer becomes a burnt-out pursuer who withdraws, and the distancer starts to pursue, but in gradually building, confused and frustrated attack mode.

Looking back, my XH pursued me throughout the early part of our marriage. He did things to woo me, sacrificed his own needs much of the time to make me happy. I enjoyed the pursuit and just...well, sat back and enjoyed it. I felt I did a lot for him as a wife and was also being a mom, but as I said...I wasn't actually "hearing and understanding" his expressed needs. It took hearing the exact words he had spoken to me repeated in the materials and videos, and hearing the explanations by the men and women saying them as they delved deeper into their core emotions of loss, fear of loss, loneliness and lack of worth, for me to realize even more what was happening.

This has beeen a journey and will continue as one. I am not satisfied with just moving on. Is it healthier? I guess that depends on your idea of health. I'm going to have to listen to couples who come to me for therapy. I'm not a counselor...I don't sit in a chair giving advice. My choice to become a therapist means I need to listen to others and meet them where they are and help them move forward by walking beside them so that they have the skills to leave me and function on their own. Getting in there with them means I need to discover and own my own S#!t as much as I can, so it doesn't pop out in a session and add to my client's pain or confusion. I've already experienced a therapist's countertransferance...I sat for half a session listening to her talking about her XH. Should have sent her a bill.

Yeah...it hurts to dig that deep. It hurts to realize that XH was trying for so long to please me while not ever feeling safe enough to discuss the deeper fears that were below his actions. He had dreams that he sacrificed to try to make me happy. I saw it as sweet and sad that he cried when we left our rental home on a lake. when he turned to me with tears on his face and assked, "doesn't it make you sad to leave here?" I thought I was being brave and strong and supportive to tell him that yes it was sad, but that it was exciting to build our own home! I didn't realize that although I was excited to finally be able to have horses and property, his dream was to have a home on a lake. Both of his grandparents had that and it was the source of all of his happy memories in a turbulent childhood. I just liked the idea of having my horse near me. No wonder he said he no longer was thinking of what I wanted when he made his later decisions. He realized that those things I wanted were just wants, not powerful dreams. He worked his back end off for my wants, while pushing aside his dreams that were in reach. I own my selfishness and blindness. I'm not beating myself up. Just finally getting it. And many of the other things that hurt him.

I now see his depression as the fallout from when he was burning out in his pursuit of me. He was done. He even told me, "I have no goals anymore." He was depressed ...and lost. When he chose to pursue his own goals "despite of me" (his words) and start finally trying to love himself, I saw it as him being selfish and in MLC. My anger is now gone. I tried before and only touched the tip of the iceberg. That is just one of the many things that is flooding me right now. My memory is too good. I'm sure there is much more.

So, yes. I should "move on". But I'm going to apologize if he will allow. He has done so many tentative reach-outs. I owe him the apologies for every thing that I can think of if he'll hear me. It will make me feel that I have done what I can. And it may ease his guilt and shame and make him feel less alone and more heard. Feeling unheard is such an isolating feeling. It can turn your stomach into a twisted knot. His biggest physical complaint.