Gaslighting or selfish, naive and blind...

[ciluzen]

Whoa. It has been a minute since I wrote on my own page. I still check in on everyone else, but just very seldom have time for more than a quick comment here and there.

It has been a tough week in regard to this journey through MLC. I'm actually having a hard time even calling it MLC at this time. My classes and two case loads (one at the school clinic and one at my internship) are really creating a steep learning curve...and a lot of emotional response.

I have not spoken to XH since the last conversation mentioned here, when he just randomly called "because he was so happy that our daughter had finally moved her stuff out". In actuality, D27 had called him to tell him I was upset and why, as I found out later. During that conversation, he had meekly said, "do you just not want me to call you anymore?". I remember the panic at losing the connection...for both of us. So, I said no. We had then fallen into our old pattern of talking for a bit.

My birthday was at the beginning of March, followed by his and then what was the anniversary of our wedding. BIL texted me a lovely birthday message, as did his girlfriend, and FIL and I talked on the phone while I was at school. I'm glad they still think of me as family. I was surprised to get a cheerful text from XH, so I also texted him on his birthday and got a nice thank you...nothing more. Anniversary was ignored, as expected. Thank god its both my dog's birthday and St. Paddy's Day! Made it through the trifecta for the second time since the D!

So, this week. I had started speaking to a man from out of state online.I had told myself it was going to take someone special to pull me back into that whole scene with my schedule. He seemed so very much like me, and also seeemed to have many of the things XH had that drew me to him. He was planning on visiting family in the area and was also planning on moving up here. So we met up. His pictures online proved to be not recent, but he was nice enough. I had no real sparks, but thought I'd give him a chance. Went on a second date, which ended with an awkward kiss attempt from him (I think timing and an ability to read a person is important, so...red flag #1). He returned home and wrote to me a few days later about mixed signals, but communication continued. He figured out where he wanted to live and has recently moved up. We went out on our third date this past weekend...a walk, a coffee (he paid), more walk, and then he suggested we go to lunch. He explained that he did not bring debit or credit card, so I paid. Then there was the creepy moment when I allowed him to come in after our walk to look at some things we both wanted to show each other on the computer, when he started petting my hand...I had already decided that this was not going to work. Plus...I'm sensitive to smell. This might sound odd, but this wasn't right for me either...wrong pheromones.

So, things I can't deal with. People who live life in fear. I have no problem with hunters and people who like to target shoot. I'm not one, but I don't jump out of planes either. To each his own. But I don't need to collect AK-47s or anything to make me feel safer in my own home (this guy). I also don't need someone telling me I don't have enough security in my own home or who feels the need to not carry the means to pay for at least their share of lunch after asking someone out on a date because they're afraid of getting mugged while walking. He actually bought a "club" steering wheel lock right before coming to my house because he was afraid someone might steal his truck and took up two parking spaces in the back of the parking lot when we went on our walk. He was a very fearful person. We were never in a "bad" neighborhood. I am aware and careful, but this was fear...and it was not fun to be around.

There was also an element of control. I had a man who tried to control before, but it was not motivated by fearful anxiety as much as by minor anxiety (what if things don't get done or what if I need this thing and don't have it?). Fearful anxiety in animals is what causes unexpected biting...you can guess my red flags went up with this in a man.

So, this caused me to really miss XH again. Commence ruminating. Add that to a stressful schedule because I have a four day seminar and had to try to cram as many clinical clients as possible into Monday. And then...

The seminar is on a certain therapy for couples. Intense emotions. So yesterday during role plays, tears were everywhere as people identified with other people's positions and also connected with other's who they had had issues with in life. You really see why people act certain ways do to emotion and response in others. Guess what certain dynamics begin to look like in one half of a dysfunctional couple when it becomes to emotionally "unsafe"? You guessed it...MLC.

I was so disturbed by what I realized most likely happened in my own relationship that I could hardly function. As the others in my small role play group were tearfully saying, "oh, I'm going to have to go home to my (significant other) and apologize/use this/ listen better", all I could do was regret not knowing that this existed while we still were together.

I had such a strong urge to call him and ask him to meet me just to talk...and to apologize. But I'm too emotionally wrapped up in this. And it is so late. But I understand why he still reaches out periodically, and why so many things which seemed inconsistant occurred. They actually fit a pattern of behavior that now makes sense.

Sorry for the long post, but I felt the need to say it somewhere rather than my own head...and my own therapy appointment isn't until Monday...