Meg I think you are doing fine. You seem to be at place where you know its best to stop and think about your actions before acting on anything. That is not an easy place to reach. Most people take a long time of hitting their head against a wall before realizing they knee to stop the knee-jerk response.
I will continue to caution you to NOT be so transparent with your kids with what is happening in your M. Once you take that step you cannot take it back. What if you do forgive H and you reconcile? Will your kids be angry at you for doing so? Will your kids forever have a damaged relationship with H? Frankly our children have no place in our M drama - they should be free to love and be loved equally by both parents without bias.
You may still have to play the role of the middle person. You may have to find ways to support and push your children to have relationship with H outside the M home and M. You will feel a little ego boost when they say they want nothing to do with them but most of the time that is out of guilt because they feel they are being disloyal to you. Don't let that happen. Let them know its okay that they still love their dad. The hardest lesson children have to face is that their parents are human beings and fully flawed.
Keep working on you. You get to decide what it is you want and don't want. Don't jump into being "friends" if you don't think you want that. Don't settle if its not what YOU want. You get to say what you want - not your H.
