Gordie #18: still not divorced

[Gordie]

Irish, SBJ, Andrew,

Wow. I thought I was a unique snowflake. I guess not.

Yes, go slow. I was feeling impatient yesterday. Some temptation to say something. How long is this going to take? When will my patience run out? Will we ever sleep together again? What do my children think of this limbo?

And being the one to break the ice? Yes. You are right. That is a fixer trait. I cleaned up her messes. She did something to hurt her R with her H? I tried to fix it. Why didn’t I let her fix it? I believed in the don’t let the sun go down on your anger philosophy. But I twisted it. Usually, it was she who was angry and I was desperate to make her un-angry. Is it somehing they learned from their mothers? I don’t know. Was the response something we learned from our fathers? I don’t know.

Re sex, I think that I allowed W to be the gatekeeper to the sexual R. When did we have sex? Whenever she was willing. I don’t think I even know what a great sex life looks like where both partners desire and fulfill one another. She was willing, but the times when I truly felt desired were few and far between. So yes, sex became routine and devoid of passion. She wasn’t satisfied. I wasn’t satisfied.

Re the never ending stream of new stuff. Yes, I’ve seen that movie. Reflecting, I didn’t want to “control” her spending. I tried to have conversations about it like, “our” spending is way over budget. I’m concerned that “our” credit card bills are too high. I wouldn’t come out and say: you are spending more than we can afford. I avoided the conflict. I didn’t want her to be unhappy. I cut my own spending. I made more money. I dug us out of debt multiple times. Good news is she’s stopped the over spending. I see that as a good sign.

Re gratitude. Yes! I never realized words of affirmation were that important to me and then I did that test at the end of the book and wow! And then I realized I was starved of that from my w. But I didn’t even know it.