[25yearsmlc]

The first and only PA that I’m aware of happened 11-12 years ago. We were in a serious relationship at the time, and it took a lot to overcome the infidelity and lies. We weren’t living together, so space was a lot easier.

This summer/fall is the first time I’ve seen a repeat in his behaviour, which is what scared me and promoted me to question his intentions.

Unfortunately I’m weak and after 3 days out of the house, we spoke, he agreed once again to work on things and not do certain things. He came back home, and now he’s changed what was discussed 3 days ago. He’s changed the words of what he said he would do ie: “I’m going to quit my job on Monday if that’s what it takes” to “I’m looking for a new job”, or “I won’t have anymore social interactions with the OW” to “I won’t have any non work related social interactions with her”.

I don’t know how to deal with this anymore.

Oh Sarah, sometimes we do "know", but we resist so hard b/c we want so badly to be wrong. We keep hoping that our spouses will become what he is not becoming or we stay based on his "potential" as a spouse. Your h is sending you clear signals. Yes, clear.

Because his actions say he wants out AND his words are inconsistent too, so you can't even try to hold onto them.

Believe me, I really truly do know how painful this can get. I just want to save you some time and dignity.

IF, and I do mean IF, there's a chance for your h to really WAKE UP and choose you and your family, it won't be by continuing to TRY and do what your thread title says "get him to see what he's doing".

He knows what he is doing and he's willing to take the chance on --

1) you bluffing

AND OR

2) losing you.

You have to hope that by him believing he's losing you for real, that he will feel the loss. But so far he just feels your pull. And you are enmeshed in a constant game of riddles and guessing and playing the part of the marriage police. It's soul sucking.

He does something wrong and then he’s able to manipulate himself and me in a false sense of security so he can do it again.

Ah, but you are educable. You learn and you grow STRONGER and you change and evolve.


I’ve asked him now that he’s completely broken my trust, how can we rebuild it? And he says he doesn’t know.... and he’s not trying anything either.

THIS^^^^ is the answer. BELIEVE HIM HERE^^^^^.



Instead now when I question every little thing he’s getting mad.

Oh that's nice. How DARE YOU??? Look up narcissist sometime and see how much of it fits. No, he does not have to be a full on total narcissist!

But the behavior where he shrugs off a marriage and changes what he says, and then gets mad at YOU for daring to ask him to choose the marriage to which he made vows, is so over the line it'll make you crazy unless you step back and see the reality.

He is dangerously entitled.

He told my sister he wants his freedom to do what he wants and his wife. But how when what he wants to do disrespects his wife?


To him, these^^ are totally compatible. He wants his cake & to eat it too. CAKE EATING ALERT!

DING DING!!
Why should a choice of his cost HIM anything?

This is malignant entitlement b/c it only cost OTHERS (dearly) and he knows it and he does it anyhow. Sure, he cares about you. But you know who he cares most about??

HIM. He's made a statement that most women (and you, once upon a time) would laugh off as you pack his things to give him the boot. You have to wonder if he's testing your remaining self respect. The statement to YOUR SISTER is so disrespectful it's like he's daring you to set a boundary.

Knowing he's not putting you first OR even equal to himself OR his other "interests",

--it will feel like a gut punch every day UNTIL you realize this is about HIM, and not about you. You are enough. He's not capable of making himself happy like an adult who chooses chocolate ice cream but really wants another flavor TOO...and bemoans the loss of the strawberry ice cream he did not order...

All you can do now is help him feel the loss and the cost of his choices. Not with meanness but indifference, even if you have to fake it, which you will.

Do not argue or advocate for yourself or the family or marriage. He knows the deal. Don't play the game anymore of pursuing him. Do NOT PURSUE HIM>

Run away, and if he catches up with you and tries to win you back, THEN we can help you cross that bridge.

Meanwhile, see a good attorney to get info. You don't have to file but Knowledge is power.

You really want this guy? Then You have to run from him - b/c he likes the chase.

You don't want this guy b/c he's horrible to you? Then You have to run from him to Get A Life.

Either way, your course of action is the same. Which is clarity! I truly believe this.



If anyone has any recommendations on how to deal with this.... it would be great. Just know that I’m at the end of my line here, and if he moves out, I’m moving on.

He may not feel like moving out. It's expensive. And he may like parts of being married, so if he can do it part time, why wouldn't he? And if he wants to be single but not move out, why wouldn't he do that? Seriously, what price would HE pay by crossing your boundaries again and again? He can say he "meant" that he would not bring OW home...

or change his mind every week, throw you a bone and enjoy a movie together and ML and then you'll think "HE is working on us. He's trying!" Only to be moody and distant the next day.

Don't pressure his mood shifts = confusion, they are sometimes just a game they play to keep both parties "happy" and HIM off the hook of any consequences.

YOU may be confused by his behavior b/c you are still projecting your values onto him. I did this very thing for a long long time.

In YOUR mind, the behavior is so bad for the marriage, and would hurt your spouse's self esteem, YOU would never do this to him, and thus, you are confused.

Surely he must be confused...he must be having a MLC. He must be in a "fog".

OR...what? Or this is who he is. He does NOT share your values. He does not have your moral compass.

I do not mean to project my situation onto yours. But there are some similar veins around here and it's mostly about when your spouse says something really damaging or admits to not being committed.

I wish we'd all LISTEN TO THEM AND BELIEVE THEM b/c that's the time they really are serious.

Now & then step back and ask yourself what you'd say to a girlfriend in your shoes.

Hang in there, see a lawyer and know your rights. Most of the time the WAS, especially men, do a lot of financial planning before we know what hit us.

Mine took ALL of the joint marital funds, and we'd been married 35 years, and made love the morning he went "on a trip" in Oct 2016...

I have not seen him since. Neither have our children. I hear he's getting married to OW...and I'm still waiting for my lump sum payment. Borrowing money to get by. Learn from my experience, please.

((( )))