Meg I'm truly sorry for everything that H is putting your through at the moment and all the unanswered questions...
BUT - the very best thing you can do for your kids is to make sure they understand that this is a very adult situation and their job is to remain carefree children for as long as possible. Maybe they don't have the close relationship with their father as they do with you and perhaps he hasn't been the most hands on dad... but he is their dad and I'm sure he loves them.
You will need to go above and beyond to share your grief and disappointment in M with your adult friends and only show yourself as being supportive and down right corrective if need be of your children's and H's relationship. It will be very difficult on your part but your kids will respect you later on for it.
I will give you three examples - all from personal experience.
********************************************
I was 21yr old when my parents divorced. In my heart I held my dad responsible because he is the one that had the affair but to be honest I had no idea what it was like being married to my mother... :-). During the separation and divorce my mother often called me up to complain about my father endlessly ranging from times they dated in high school up to the end of their 22yr M. One day I finally just simply stated to my mother that I was sorry for her pain and disappointment but he was still my dad and faults and all I still loved him.
She truly apologized and while she stopped pulling ME into the M issues she still drug my adult brother (20yr) to the court hearing. Thank goodness the judge had the sense to say children - even adult children should not be present for parents divorce hearing. I'm not angry at my mother. I truly understand that she was going through a horrible time and just needed support but that support should have been a good friend or family member. It shouldn't have been my brother. She should have NEVER asked her children to step in between their parents even as young adults.
That being said I simply adored my dad's second wife - maybe we got along so well because she was only 5yr older than me? And, I loved his 3rd wife. Still see her regularly and she is still a "grandma" to my S16. The woman he is with now is also nice and friendly. Can you see where I'm going??? LOL. I'm not the parent of my dad. I'm his child. His choices are his to make. Am I disappointed - yes, sometimes. But, he's the only dad I have and he loves me and I love him.
My mother went on a married a great guy and they have been married longer than my parents were. He is a much better H for her than my dad ever was.
In fact at my dad's last family Xmas my dad was in Florida for the winter so my mom and her husband went and I took my dad's 3rd wife with me. Now, even if my dad was there he wouldn't have cared. We are a very happy dysfunctional family. :-)
I was essentially a single parent of my child from the minute I got pregnant. I remember being with my S16 when he was 4 at his soccer games and he looked around at all the other families/kids and then asked me "why doesn't my dad ever come to my soccer games?". I just simply said "I do not know, that is something you will have to ask your dad". It was hard because I knew very well why he wasn't there but my job was to cultivate the best relationship possible between my son and his father... and his father never made that easy.
Currently, my son's father moved several states away with his current wife and 4 other children. He sees my son 3 times a year and despite being the age of technology goes months without even a word to S16 - no call, no email, no text. He will come to our state for a week at a time and at most will see S16 for 2hr at dinner. My son is crushed because he would like to see his step-siblings and spend the week with his dad but dad doesan't allow for it. I keep my opinion to myself and just encourage my son to enjoy his time at dinner.
When positive things happen in my son's life - got his drivers license I made sure to tell him to text his dad about it. Should it really be S16's job to text his dad that their team won the championship? NO.... his dad knew when the game was and choose not to be there and choose not to call to see how it played out. But, I will do my best to keep that bridge going because a good parent will take themselves and their personal hurt out of an equation and make it all about the kids.
Trust me - its not easy. Nothing is worse than when S16 was 6-14yr old crying and begging not to go to his dad's (there wasn't much of a relationship there) and I still had to pull up my big girl panties and send him off. Of course, he could call and text me as much as he wanted and I was supportive of his needs as possible - but despite his dad not winning any father of the year awards his dad still loved him. It was my job as and adult regardless of my personal beliefs of what an arse he was that I was not only not to stand in the way of the relationship but that it was up to me to push it forward. Now, with that being said I knew my ex was not going to hurt my child or put my child in any danger.
My step children are permanently damaged by a parent who used them as a tool against the other parent. My H had multiple affairs in his prior M. They had a very dysfunctional relationship which was not 100% the fault of either, but had 2 children together. When the marriage finally ended the children were 7 and 9. Too young to understand the actual adult behavior that led to the divorce but their mother made sure they knew it. She would read every email between them regarding adult matters in about divorce, finances and visitation to these small children so they could tell their dad they didn't want to go to X,Y, Z with him.
In the beginning of my relationship with H I used to take her side and tried to stand up for her when they had disagreements but it didn't take me long to see the my H wasn't the problem. It would be time for them to see their dad for visitation and she would take off with the children and refuse him his children knowing that he had planned vacation events. This happened too many times to count... yes you can call police, you can get attorneys and have court dates... that all takes time. Court dates get rescheduled for multiple factors. H had to go more than once for 3 months without seeing his kids because court dates got pushed back multiple times. Of course the judge came down on her harshly but the damage was done - he hadn't seen his kids for 3 months again. H will never get that time back.
Here's an eye opener for you --- SS18 when he was 11yr old. "Dad, how come you never say anything bad about Mom but Mom talks bad about you all the time?" Trust me - my H could have written volumes about bad behavior by their mother in regards to him seeing and having time with his kids but he didn't involve his children in it.
This has gone on for years... and years... My SS18 may or may not graduate high school. It will be close for him but my SD16 will not graduate. After 2yr she only has 4credits of the 40 needed. We just got a letter again this year that both kids are being allowed to miss too many days of school which may also make SS18 ineligible to graduate.
Yes, my H wanted custody and we spent a lot of time and money. There were several road blocks but frankly when you are 12yr old you will tell the judge you don't want to live with the parent that has all rules and expectations - you want to live with the parent who doesn't expect you to behave in school or even go to school, lets you stay out all night (yes at 12) and smoke/have sex in the house because mom is desperate to be your friend so that you will love her rather than be a parent to raise you.
Meg I know you are a good person and you wouldn't intentionally harm or bias your children, but I hope you can take a step to realize that if your M does indeed implode you will be far more respected by your children years later if you continued to go above and beyond to foster the best relationship possible with them and your H... even if they themselves are against it!!!!
